Then and Now

Fifteen years ago on this very day, I was at my parents house recovering from the shock of a breast cancer diagnosis at the age of 24. It was truly a shock because no one believed it would be cancer even until they did the surgery. The doctors just kept saying "we'll keep investigating, but you're too young for this to be breast cancer." I was a graduate student at Clemson studying to be a Guidance counselor and having what I thought was the time of my life. I had come to Clemson as an eighteen year old anxious to get out on my own and do things my way. I felt my parents rules were much too strict and going to church all the time was not for me. I happily packed up my belongings, abandoned my Christian home, and left the God I had grown up with at the South Carolina line. But He would not be left for long. As I discovered college life and made new friends, I always felt the Holy Spirit calling me back to him. I knew the life I had chosen to lead during my college life was not right and in my heart I knew I could not continue on. Occasionaly a room mate who had had similar upbringing and I would sit together and cry and try to read our Bible and talk about how we weren't truly happy. But that would only be a fleeting thought easily forgotten the next day.

My relationship with my parents had deteriorated to the point I hated to talk to them on the phone. But after finding a lump when drying off from a shower, I knew I need to see a doctor when I was at home for Christmas. I called mom and asked her to get me an appointment and that led to an ultrasound, a needle biopsy, and finally a lumpectomy. I clearly remember mom reading Psalm 91 to me the night before surgery-"He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most high shall abide under the shadow of the almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God, in him will I trust..." (Please read this on your own. I really want it to all be here, but if you knew how I type, you'd know why I won't.) That Psalm meant so much to me and soothed me so, but I couldn't pray. I had pushed him so far away. Thankfully my parents still had a line open and they begged God for it not to be cancer. I'll never forget the words of the doctor that day. "No one is more surprised than I am that this was cancer."

I knew at that point what this story was all about. It was about a stupid girl God wanted to use. But she was all about wanting to be cool, and the life of the party and fitting in, and pride. The devil had me convinced that professing the name of Jesus would get me laughed off campus, and the few Christians I knew at Clemson were just duds and didn't know how much fun they were missing out on. I finally had to get myself to the point where I could cry out to the Lord and say "Do you remember me? Will you please forgive me for my foolishness and get me where you want me to be?" Thankfully, I was the one who left. He was always there...waiting.

I came back to Clemson to finish my degree all the while taking radiation for 6 weeks and having 12 rounds of chemo. My dear sweet doctor told me to go get myself a wig and prepare to be sick as a dog. BUT, my hair only thinned and I never once threw up and my worst side effects were tiredness and mouth sores! I found a church (or should I say they found me) and with the help of friends who took me to chemo, and cleaned out my stinky fridge, and sent me tapes and cards I was there riding proudly on the shoulders of MY Lord and Savior as He carried me through.

The rest is just surreal- this knight in shining armor or maybe it was a red '78 BMW-came into my life, found out all about me, met my Lord, and asked me to marry him. We were happy as pigs in mud. He was an engineer at Kemet and I was a middle school guidance counselor. Then God blessed us with 3 of the most wonderful children ever! I'll tell you all about them another time so get ready.

That's who I was 15 years ago today. How about you?




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