Fight Like a Girl

I'm wishing I had gotten up a team for the local "Relay for Life". Time slipped up on me and now it's too late for me to get it together. But let's plan on it next year, okay? We'll hang out all night and laugh and EAT. Maybe walk a little. I decided to try to sell a few t-shirts to benefit the American Cancer Society. So if you'd like to order a shirt, either email me or write me in the comments. They are $10 and come in sizes Youth small through Adult 3XL. I know most of my friends here already have one, but some of my far away friends and family may not. I'd be happy to mail it to you.

Have a great day!

Cutest salad ever

Feast your eyes on last nights VOD-

Have you ever seen such a cute little salad?

Don't you adore those little lime green bowls?

Can't you just feel the love?

Apparently not.......

Oh boy...

So after my chemo and radiation treatments were over in July 1994, I met The Knight that following February and we got married in December. My doctor recommended I wait 5 years after treatment to become pregnant. Our first pregnancy ended in miscarriage and left us with thoughts that we may not be able to have children at all. So when Allison Grace was born in 2000, we thanked the Lord for His gift to us. She was an easy-going baby and such a delight. She smiled easily and went willingly to anyone who wanted to hold her. The Knight and I felt so blessed. I had not planned to be a stay-at-home mom because I knew that my job as a middle school guidance counselor was the best job possible for a mom's schedule. I loved my job, but the Lord started to change my heart and I began wishing I could be at home with her. I felt like I was leaving my child in the care of someone else while I went to take care of someone else's child. Almost 2 1/2 years later, Zoey Grace was born and we again felt like our cup was running over. She stole our heart and blended right into our routine. Two precious little girls were enough to keep us quite busy and I was enjoying staying at home. We pretty much decided that 2 was enough. But when Zoey was around 18 months old I got the baby bug again, but that would go away as soon as the girls started to misbehave or I had a crazy-busy day wrangling the two of them. I started to gradually give away my baby stuff. But there just seemed to be something missing from our family. I just kept thinking that there would be another chapter to our book. So after much thought, late night discussions and prayer, we decided to try for a third. When I became pregnant we were thrilled but scared to death. I was afraid we were setting ourselves up for a life filled with stress and financial strain. AND the idea of possibly having three teenage girls one day was mind boggling. Our friends and family were a little surprised at the news and we decided early on that we would not find out the baby's sex. I always enjoyed being pregnant and the third time was probably the best-even though I WAS 37. I started to pray that the baby would be a boy. I claimed Psalm 37:4 -Delight thyself also in the Lord; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart. I would ask God to do it for the Knight. I felt like he was such a good man and he was so faithful to God and a good servant of the church, I mean a guy like him-so smart and handy and athletic and humble and knightly, you know, really needed a boy to pass down all those genes. But after a few days of praying for a boy, I'd start to feel guilty and think "How can I pray for a boy when I really just need to pray that the child will be healthy. How can I be so shallow?" But after awhile I'd go back to asking God to give us a boy, a man-child, a namesake. Much like Hannah from the Bible did, I told God that if He would give us a boy, I would give him back to him for whatever he wanted or needed him to be. There was so much excitement surrounding not knowing the baby's sex. So many strangers would see us out with two big bow wearing little girls and ask me what we were having. Even my mother-in-law thought we knew, but weren't telling. I just tried to tell myself that God would give us just what our family needed. I would not allow myself to be disappointed in anything God gave us. I had to be scheduled for a c-section because at my last ultrasound they estimated the baby's weight at 12 pounds. Everyone was so excited! First about the sex and then about the weight. Being the practical, mathematical sort, The Knight was constantly saying to me "You know, statistically the chances that this baby will be a boy are..." but I would cut him off with a harsh look and a jab. So when that doctor pulled out that baby and handed him over to his daddy, he held him high into the air, just like the scene from The Lion King, and said "It's a BOY!!!" Tears of joy and disbelief overcame us. How could this be? How could we be so blessed with another healthy child to raise for the glory of God? I thought in my heart, this baby belongs to God. In the mean time, though, I am wearing myself ragged chasing him, keeping him out of stuff, and off of furniture. Just keeping him inside the house lately has been a challenge. Just today he washed down my bar stools with hand soap, teetee'd on the garage floor, and fed half a candy bar to the dog. This boy thing is tough to get used to. He wants to save his poop for daddy to see and he'd rather read a book about a fire truck 5 times a day than anything else in the world. He eats like a horse one day and a bird the next, gets dirty before I can even get his pajamas on him and asks for a lollipop at 7AM. One day last week, he nearly gave me a heart attack. I could NOT find him anywhere and Allison and I were running through the house screaming his name and crying and I even enlisted the help of my neighbor who was outside to look for him there. After what seemed like forever, he popped his head out from under the pillows on my bed and said "here I am mommy!" AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! As we were leaving the life center today he pointed out the hospital and I told him that's where they took him out of mommy's tummy. Without skipping a beat he said "I got hatched?" Yeah, maybe that's what's going on here, he got hatched. That boy loves his daddy like you would not believe and already has a heart for the Lord. He loves to sing, gets excited about going to church, and can even imitate our preacher. At least once a day he asks me if Papa is in Heaven with Jesus. It would be great if he would grow up to be an engineer like his dad, or maybe he'll be a business man like his Papa or a great tennis player like his Poppy. I have a feeling though that God is already building his resume'. Right now it reads, K-2 graduate, potty trained and skilled in matters of the heart seeking position as a man in God's Army. I just don't know what it is about that boy.

All I know is he's a gift. He is THE DESIRE OF MY HEART.

Vegetable of the Day

Okay, I know you are all dying to know how the healthy lifestyle is working out. Well, as a matter of fact, I couldn't wait for the kids to go to bed so I could tell you about tonight's dinner success (read with heavy sarcasm and eye roll).
I had a busy day-
breakfast
dropped off girls at 8
home shower dress
dropped off boy at 9
grocery store
Lowe's
home, eat, phone call
workout 1 hour at Life Center
"stress" workshop 1 hour-hahahahaha-didn't need no stinking stress workshop
picked up girls
picked up boy
Sonic (slushes for kids)
piano lesson
home

Threw together a fantastic meal consisting of Greek chicken, pasta, salad, fresh fruit and the VOD-asparagus(YUM!!!) Your choice of cheese sauce or ranch. One tiny spear was all that was required. The motivation for clearing your plate-vanilla ice cream (frozen sugar free yogurt, shhh!) The meal overall was very tasty-the chicken was excellent.

So all 4 of them decided to eat the dreaded asparagus at the same time. Daddy's idea. He's as bad as the kids you know. Woody is sitting nearby, watching for a crumb to fall. Two plain, one cheese sauce, one ranch. The Knight chewed with his mouth open,but it went down. The Little man put it into his mouth and promply took it from his tongue-"Me no like dat." Allison chews, she swallows, she gags, she spits it out. Zoey chews, chews, chews, coughs, and loses it. Back on her plate. I sit, staring in utter amazement. Why is this so hard? What is the big deal? It was tiny. They had the option to drown it with a condiment of their choice. So I'm frustrated, mad, STRESSED...the next thing I know, Woody goes behind the couch and throws up.

I'm not believing this.....

Not gonna "die" it

So I am starting a campaign to get healthy. I do not have the time, the money or a staff so I will have to do the best I know how. I refuse to diet. I am not going to count fat grams, calories or take a special pill. I have to make real life changes that I can manage in real life. Dieting makes me miserable. Worrying about food is not on my list of things to do. My goal is not to be skinny. I'll never be HOT- except from the occasional hot flash. I just want to live a long time and be happy and healthy. I just want to be a girl God can use.

My plan is to add healthier food to our menu- more fiber, less sugar, better snacks, VEGGIES. I want to eliminate some bad habits-late night snacking, eating the kids leftovers, too much fast food, etc. I want to get active-ride bikes, go on hikes, walk the dog (once he's presentable to go out), roller skate, swim, chase the Little Man. I want to go to bed tired and get up rested. I want to improve my posture and love my body-pre-op, post-op, pre-op, post-op. I have great plans, but that's what I'm good at. I'm a good planner-it's the follow through that's hard for me.

So far this week we've made a good start. We ate a few vegetables, more fruit, more water, and even had healthy popcorn-*SIGH* I went to the Life Center Monday and Tuesday, went skating last night with the girls and took the Little Man for a bike ride today. The weather has been great and I feel good. So what excuse do I have. I saw a cartoon that read "Would you rather exercise an hour a day or be dead 24 hours a day?" This is what I must do-it's my
"not gonna die-it".

Anybody out there want to join me?

I can do all things throught Christ which strengthenest me Phil. 4:13

Veggie Tales

Coughing, gagging, choking, crying, begging, lying, eye rolling-sounds like a horror movie, right? Well, actually that's just dinner time here. Vegetables are the enemy it seems. You know, trying to destroy me by way of my family. The last few meals here have been pretty miserable. I've even started trying to get dinner on the table before The Knight gets home so that some of the weeping and wailing has subsided before he walks in from a hard day at work. It's so great to slave over a meal-plan the menu, do the shopping, cook the food. Then when you proudly set it on the table, everyone bursts into tears. Sad. Real sad. Something's gotta give.

Dr. Edinfield, my oncologist, presented my case at what is called "the tumor board" last Thursday to get input from other doctors on what THEY thought was the best treatments for me. They all concurred that the hysterectomy and mastectomy was indeed all that was needed in my situation. So I am praising the Lord for that good news. I had an idea in the back of my head that maybe one mean doctor might come back and say that chemo would be good for someone my age and just to sock it to me just to be on the safe side. Don't get me wrong, if they said chemo was the way to go I would have done it willingly, but I sure am happy that didn't happen. So the only thing left to do is to, as the good doctor himself put it, be the poster child for healthy living. *SIGH* So this is where the torture by vegetables comes in. I haven't been so great at teaching my children, or my husband for that matter, to eat healthy and because I am the chief cook and bottle washer here, that responsibility is on my shoulders. So for the next 10 weeks, in conjunction with this Moving On oncology rehabilitation program, I will be trying to get into the habit of exercising and of course I will also try to eat healthier.
I went on a strange diet last spring to lose weight for my brother-in-law's wedding but then I promptly put most of it back on. The primary reason for this is my lack of control and love of food. I have lost and gained weight time and time again over the years only to fall back into my old habits. It's a mindset really and my mind has not been set right in the matter. So-my plan is to lose weight, get into shape and then go for reconstruction. Maybe that will be a motivator for me. But more than that, I owe it to my family. For two reasons- One, I need to be all that I can be for them, so I can be a healthy mom who lives to be 105. Two, I should want to help them learn healthy habits too so that they can live long and be healthy and enjoy their children. I understand that and I want to do this, but it's going to be so hard. (Why does the bad food have to taste so good?. Why can't I crave Brussels sprouts at 9:45 every night instead of movie theater butter popcorn? AGH!)
So I am making a pledge to myself.
I AM going to get fit- do some sort of exercise 5 times a week, get rid of fat stomach, be energetic.
I AM going to lose weight- I will never be skinny, nope not me. Just dropping twenty-five pounds would be good.
I AM going to try my best to provide healthy meals and snacks for my family-at least 5 days a week. (Sounds like I'm planning to lie on the couch and eat ice cream for two days each week, but really I'm just trying to be realistic, okay?)

This is going to be it. My dad would say "Shug, I know you can do it. When you meet your goal, I'll do something nice for ya." I AM going to do this. Once and for all.

Go me!

Movin' on to the couch

The Life Center in Greenville is a very nice place. It would be a great place to meet someone if you were single. I'm not single and I'm not looking, okay....I'm just sayin'. It was the first work out facility I've been in that didn't smell like sweaty feet. The people there were so friendly and I didn't feel too intimidated "working out" for the first time in a long time. They took it easy on me today, but can I just say that my arms hurt so bad I can barely type, but I love you so much that I didn't want to leave you without any updates. I am going to the couch pronto.

Woody has finally come to grips with his new look. He did spend most of the day in his kennel Monday and he doesn't want to ride with me to school. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and had a barking fit. That cracked me up! I really need to consult with some Golden Doodle owners and see what to do about his fur for future reference.

We are enjoying this spring weather and the Little Man loves to be outside. He wouldn't come in to potty today so I showed him how to teetee outside. Is this going to be a problem later?

One day this week Allison asked me if I was glad I had surgery and now I don't have to wear a bra. She said she guessed my armpits didn't get smelly anymore either.

I'm going to Canada! Okay not in person, but Tina Chapman did ask me to make a video for her ladies banquet in May. ( The Chapmans are our dear friends who moved to Canada last year to be missionaries.) So the last few nights I have been busy working on taping myself giving my testimony. I certainly do not feel like a gifted speaker or anything, but I do hope that sharing with people about what the Lord has done in my life will be a help to others. After they get over my accent, I hope God will get the glory through my story.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how the Lord is my strength and about what I would do if I did not have God to help me through all this. Good grief, just the struggles of daily life are enough to make someone depressed and hopeless. But then when you lose a loved one, or lose your job or get sick, how does someone who doesn't know the Lord deal with that? If I didn't trust that God was in control I would never sleep, or I'd probably be an alcoholic or something. I can remember before I accepted Christ that I had an emptiness I can't describe. And when I'd lie in bed at night I'd think a lot about dying. It used to make me mad and so uncomfortable when people would talk about God. So I'd just try to avoid them or at least keep them away from any discussions about the Bible, or Heaven or Salvation. I'm so glad that I have peace now. I don't have to worry, I can sleep well, and I don't have to avoid anybody. Maybe I still avoid people, but it's not for that reason!

I was reading some of my old posts from when my dad was sick and I read where I said that I was disappointed in him. It hurt me so much that I wrote that. I regret having those feelings and saying that. I just didn't know how sick he was. Lord, forgive me.

Alright. That's all I've got. How about starting a blog so I can keep updated on your life?

Check out Psalm 28:7- The Lord is my strength and my shield: my heart trusted in him and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song I will praise him.

Movin' On

Today I met with the nurse coordinator for an oncology rehabilitation program called Moving On. It's a 10 week program designed to help cancer patients get on track for a healthy lifestyle. The focus is on exercise, nutrition and stress management. Doesn't that sound perfect for me? I had to fill out a bunch of questionnaires and I had to laugh at the one called "General Fatigue scale."
On a scale of one to ten, one being no fatigue and 10 being greatest possible fatigue-

My level of fatigue today is...
My level of fatigue most days is...
In general, the intesity of my fatigue is...
In general, the level of DISTRESS I feel due to my fatigue is...
In general, the amount of impact my fatigue has on my daily activities is...

Too bad there's not a blank at the bottom cause this is what I'd write:

In general, my level of fatigue is much more than 10, today, most days and everyday. In general, the level of my distress due to my fatigue does not keep me from my daily activities-driving a taxi, reading books to the little boy on the potty, washing 2 sets of clothes per person, , grocery shopping, cooking meals, letting the dog out, picking up sharp objects, helping with homework, monitoring snacks, giving baths, yelling, washing dirty hands, flushing the toilet, hanging up wet towels, unsticking stickers and repeatedly calling to see what time The Knight is coming home. This, dear people, is because I am a mom, not just a cancer patient. In general, this program sounds like just what I need but may I suggest the name be changed to "Movin' On:Cause nobody's movin' out" (at least for another 10 years!!!)

Beauty is on the inside

Today's post will be a little different. I'll be discussing my forth child, Woody. Shortly after The Knight and I started dating, we aquired a dog. My idea of course. The Knight is so dang practical and I am straight up emotions. Anyway, after seeing an adorable puppy one day, I decided I had to have one. Not more than five minutes of thought, no research into the breed. Just got in the car and went and got me a puppy. I had already met the man of my dreams, all I needed was a baby to satisfy those maternal instincts that kicked in whenever I imagined my life with such a wonderful guy. Well, the dog turned out to be a dud of sorts-WAY too hyper to keep in the house, bred to retrieve ducks but had to pass the day defuzzing tennis balls and tormenting the cat. We loved her, but she had to be an outside dog and was therefore not much of a family member. So when she passed away last summer, I started bugging The Knight about getting another dog that would be more a part of our family. This time I was going to be smart and do my research. So after hours on the internet googling "best breed for children" I ran upon this new hybrid breed that has gained immense popularity due to it's good nature and low shedding. I went crazy over the pictures of these Golden Doodles-half standard poodle, half golden retreiver. Having never actually seen one in real life was not an issue for me because they were soooo cute and to satisfy The Knight, I did tons of research. (Read that as looked for one that wasn't too expensive) I presented my case and with the idea that this would be a dog that the little man could grow up with, The Knight actually went along with me pretty easily. So we made the preparations to welcome a new puppy into our family. I watched crate training videos on Youtube, bought toys and treats, corresponded with the breeder and we picked out the puppy aptly named Peter. When the day came to go and get him we were so excited. The Knight renamed him Woody after his beloved '87 Jeep Wagoneer. This dog has stolen my heart. He was easily house trained, slept well in his crate, and really was as cute in real life as he was on the web. When the kids would go off to bed, Woody and I would have a great time rolling in the floor playing and snuggling. The Knight would be watching the SCiFi channel, of course. (This was before my blog, you see.) So this little puppy grew very quickly and soon outgrew his crate and almost outgrew us. The little man would step off the deck and before he could make it to the trampoline, only about 12 feet away, Woody would charge out of nowhere and side swipe the little guy and literally lift him into the air. Then Zoey would venture out and Woody would chase her all the way there, nipping her ankles until she made it to safetly. Then he'd grab Allison by the hand and try to escort her as she yelled at the top of her lungs. It's been a rough road, bringing up that dog. Reality is that the kids don't even like him that much. He's gotten so big that they really dodn't know what to do with him and he is always interupting their plans. I, on the other hand, have fallen more in love with him everyday. Being a stay-at-home mom can be kind of lonely sometimes and he has been my best friend. Then with surgery and losing my dad, he has been such a comfort to me, a true companion, a big furry place to bury my tears. I just loved his big furriness and the way he could win over a crowd. I felt like I was with a celebrity every time we went for his obedience class at Pet Smart. Everyone wanted to pet him and comment on all his fur and ask questions about what kind he was and about how big he was going to get. My research suggested he would be beteen 55 and 65 pounds, but I was starting to worry that he was getting to be more like 90 to 100. We had to board him at the vet while we were in St. Augustine and when I called to make his reservation at the dog spa while he was there, I must have mentioned the word "shave". I was thinking more that he needed a nice cut so that he could be cool as the warm weather approaches. I think I must have said "shave". Yeah, I know I did. Shave.... He was getting into he habit of going outside and digging and rolling and coming in smelling like who-knows-what. I'd try to bathe him and good grief, that was a major chore added to all my other chores. So I thought to myself that a nice haircut was in order. I guess I used the wrong word. WELL, obviously the groomer must love to get "shave" on her instruction sheet because she went berserk. My once adorable shaggy ball of adorable fur, came home looking like a not-so-adorable sheared sheep. Karie picked him up for us before we got home, so when we first saw him, my heart stopped. Who was that dog and what did they do with my Woody? This dog was all legs and skinny and ridiculous-looking. For a moment, I thought my best friend was U-G-L-Y. I feel bad typing that, but it's true. Of course the Knight just fed into my fright and started in with his comments about how now it wouldn't hurt so bad to give him away and how he was going to have to wear a sweater and on and on. The girls just looked at him in shock as he pranced though the room showing off his new do. They couldn't keep ther hands off his silky body and we were all just trying to adjust our eyes to this new creature. Finally, I just got down in the floor and started to laugh/cry. (We had been in the car 10 hours by this time of the night). About that time I got a text from Karie that said "Beauty is on the inside." I literally felt my heart twinge. That was so true. He was still my adorable Woody on the inside; he was just different on the outside. I had to be reminded....

Before

After

PS-At least now we know he's not overweight!

Happy Easter!

I hope all of you had a wonderful day! You were right when you said the holidays would be hard; I really missed my dad today. We sang "Because He lives" at church (which is a song we sang at the funeral) and I could have just bawled my eyes out. This afternoon we planted a tree that my neighbor gave us in memory of him. Mom said she was having a tough day today also. But in spite of how much my heart is aching and how much I long to hear dad's voice, I can rejoice today. I can rejoice because my Jesus is alive and my dad is there in Heaven with him. I love Easter and the hope that this day offers to those of us who claim his as personal Lord and Savior. I am thankful that I gave Jesus my heart and He gave me a new life with Him and a promise of Heaven in return. He gave His life for me, ME, and you too my friend, so that we could be FREE. I could never repay such mercy. Oh what love He had for me. I have so very little to offer Him in return, but all that I am and all that I have I give it to him. Wholeheartedly. He deserves nothing less.

Beauty all Around

You really cannot be at the beach and not praise God for the beauty He created for us to enjoy. We have a fantastic view of the ocean from our condo and we are so enjoying our time here.
I could just walk on the beach for hours at a time if I could. Mom and I walked the beach awhile today and talked a lot about the fact that we cannot please people and that we are accountable only to God. At times I feel so inadequate and so insecure. But I have to just remind myself time and time again that God is who I must please and him only. I am disappointed that I was really making progress about my body and then "whammo" a few days at the beach surrounded by all these half-dressed people and I am back to feeling bad again. But just like He created the details of this beautiful ocean landscape, He created me. I am reflecting tonight on two verses-Genesis 1:27- So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him... and one of my favorites Psalm 139:14- I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
In God's eyes, I am a real beauty.

Spring Break- Day 2

Why is it that no matter what time my kids go to bed, they always wake up at the same(early) time? Can't a kid SLEEP IN?

The day started out kind of overcast and rainy and very windy, so we hung out for awhile and then went to the indoor pool. My sweet sister-in-law brought the kids all nice goggles and I discovered that one pair fit me. So I ended up thoroughly enjoying myself in the pool. Normally I don't go under water because of my contacts and all, but the goggles really helped. So the girls and I had a great time playing some of my old favorite games like go under and guess what I'm saying and try to sit indian-style on the pool floor, etc. It was great fun, until a bunch of other people showed up and we got crowded out. The little man is just like the girls were at that age; much more into playing around the pool than in it. As we were leaving Mike, Chris and Court came in and we went into town to Cruisers for big cheeseburgers. Then we walked around downtown and then over to the old fort. It was another great day.

It's been a long time since we have all spent this much time together . My girls both think my niece Courtney is the greatest thing ever and of course the little man adores "Kwis". Mom and I ended up crying while we were cooking dinner because we both agreed that it seemed like dad would just walk through the door any minute. Mom said it's just so unreal to her that he is gone. We are enjoying being together as a family, but it is so painfully evident to us all that someone very important, the backbone of our family actually, is not here. I want to talk about him and say something I remember about him, like something funny he did, but I hesitate because I don't want to bring everybody down. All I know is that we are having a great time, but I wish he was here. In actuality though, I believe he's having a whole lot more fun than eating greasy hamburgers and hanging around old forts. He's feasting at a table spread for him and living in his brand new mansion prepared just for him. HOPE-that's what keeps us all going. We know we'll see him again and that, my friends, will be a glad reunion day!

The White Knight takes his kids to the beach

Due to The Knight's scandinavian heritage, he refers to himself as "the whitest guy you'll ever know," and only has to be in the sun for a minute to get burned. Subsequently, Whitey McWhite White has milky white children as well. In the flurry of packing up to head down to the beach yesterday, one of the little ones escaped the ceremonial sunscreen applying session. Needless to say, the oldest Fernbaby looks like Bunny bread covered with strawberry jam. It looks like I won't be nominated as Mother of the Year again this year....

Greetings from St. Augustine!

Woohoo!! Spring break has begun and life is good. The kids had a fantastic time on the beach today, playing in the sand, boogie boarding, and just taking it all in. Mom and I were happy just to sit in our beach chairs and watch the kids run back and forth. Suzy's brother-in-law Peter entertained us by making this sand sculpture of an alligator. Isn't it cool? We are so happy to be here with our family and enjoying a time of fun in the sun. I am so blessed! I'll be posting more this week so stay tuned.

Tennis balls and dog breath

Sorry for not posting for two days. I try to get my work done so I'll have free time to write at night, but I have been busy getting things ready for vacation. Allison and the Little Man had to have new clothes and I had to get out hand-me-downs for Zoey. My week has been taken up with laundry, shopping, a couple doctor's appointments and even a little craft project. Of course I've been on the phone with my brother a few times having a little pep rally about the week ahead. We had to iron out important details like what we're going to eat, where we're going to eat and what we're bringing to eat.


As you know, Romans 8:28 has been my theme verse for the last few months and it has been interesting to me how many times I've seen it just in the last week. It was in our family devotional, on another blog I read, and a couple other times it's come up that I can't remember. It's probably one of the most popular verses for people who are going through hard times. We have to cling to the belief that #1 God is in control of whatever situation we are in and #2 it is going to have a good ending. So much is going on that that I don't know what to do, or how to react or even how to help others cope with hardships. But in a short period of time I have had to let go of a few things and just let God have them. I let go of the tidiness of my house issue and I must say it has been a huge relief for me. I have spent so much time on my hands and knees in the past- not in prayer mind you- spot cleaning my carpet for cryin' out loud-and I just had to give that up. The Little Man came to me today and said "I spilled my drink. I clean it up." I just said "Good job" and went about my business. Hahaha-who cares?

I had to let go of my body image issues. Nothing looks good on me. I have a concave chest and a protuding abdomen. I look ridiculous in the mirror and a bathing suit is just a joke. Sometimes I consider trying out a couple of tennis balls to see if they would help, but otherwise I just have to forget about it. I am wearing my hair curly this week just because it's easier and it also serves as a distraction. I wouldn't say I am "letting myself go" but I am just accepting who I am right now. One of these days I am going to get in shape (mark your calendar to walk Monday after Spring Break, Marylena) and one day I'll have reconstructive surgery, but for now, this is what I've got. If you care about my flat chest, big belly and absent mind, then check me off your list.I have a new attitude about a lot of the things I used to worry about. A couple of things have come up that I really wanted to just stress out about, and a couple of things have come up that I DID stress out about. I just had to ask myself that in the grand scheme of things- is it really worth it? When I told God through my tears and frustration that He was just going to have to take care of those things, there was a huge wave of relief that washed over me each time. How liberating it is for me to finally be learning at the ripe old age of forty, that some things are just beyond my control.

Wednesday I gave Woody a much needed bath and he went and promptly drank out of the toilet-a not flushed toilet- and I just completely came apart at the seams. A full-fledged crying spell complete with sobs and thoughts of running away, and even a fleeting image of me, alone, in a little Bed and Breakfast in North Carolina. I was unloading my frustration on the Knight and going berserk about how I just can't stay on top of anything and how I'm trying so hard and how we're all going to catch that human feces disease I had read about in my home medical reference book. All the while the girls are riding their Barbie scooters in circles around me talking and laughing and completely oblivious to my breakdown. I just started praying and sort of chanting "Lord, you've got to take this. Lord, you've got to take this..." Whew, it was a close one. The article would read "She beat cancer twice, but then she was wiped out by her dog's deadly kisses."

So for now I am still learning to sift through the unimportant stuff, still trying not to freak out about things I cannot control, and still trying to smile at myself in the mirror. All the while I am enjoying all the good that God has intended for me.

(Oh, and still trying to teach my kids to flush...)

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God and to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28.