Happy 3rd Birthday, Little Man!

Whatta weekend!

Could NOT have packed anything else into this weekend, I tell ya. It started off Thursday night with a fun evening with the Chapmans, our friends who are now missionaries in Canada. We loved being with them and catching up.


(Zoey, Gracey, Anders, Kyndal, Allison, Sydney)
Pictures for the church directory turned out AWFUL Saturday. That's the reason I yelled at my children from 8:45 until 11:30 and the stinkin' pictures turned out like this family. Anders birthday party was great! He was so excited and I'm so glad so many of his friends were able to come.

But the highlight was most definitely seeing Zoey get baptized tonight. Praise the Lord!

I'm bad

I wasn't ready though to handle such a calling. I spent several weeks in shock. I was scared out of my mind that I was going to die and leave my family and 3 wonderful children. I doubted that I could handle it. Some days I was stronger than others. So many times I'd cry, "I can't handle this. I can't handle this."As I was preparing for surgery I hit my lowest point and it was then that I had to say "Lord, you are going to have to carry me. I can't walk this road alone. I can't fight this battle without you at the forefront." Man, I had so many doubts, I was so very afraid. My friends and family comforted me and supported me, but there was nothing they could do for me. God knew me. He didn't give that cancer to me, but He filtered it through his loving hands. I was a long way from what He wanted me to be, but He knew I had a desire to get there. I made it through the surgery and started to heal on the outside and then a blow much worse than a cancer diagnosis rocked my world. The loss of my dad was much, much harder than my physical ailments. My heart was broken.

Driving down Mile Creek Road that day I just thought I was close to God. I just thought I loved Him. I just thought I could trust him. We have come a long way these last six months. I am different. The 3 verses that I claimed have been proven by Him over and over again.
Joshua 1:9- Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest. He gave me strength. I had no courage of my own, but that which He provided me. The Lord my God was with me in the bone scan, and the liver scan, and the colonoscopy, and the hysterectomy, and the mastectomy and when I saw dad is the casket, during his funeral and when they lowered his body into the ground. And withsoever I went-HE WAS THERE!
Romans 8:28-And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God and to them who are the called according to his purpose. So many great things HAVE been worked for good. I have had many opportunities to witness to God's goodness. He took some really rotten stuff and made it good. Through the pain of losing dad, my mom and I can see that many good things have happened as a result.
Proverbs 3:5,6-Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths. I never would have been able to do anything without believing that He would direct my path. I had to ask him time and time again to show me. I needed His wisdom and his guidance in countless decisions. Most recently, I did not lean on myself to make the decision to have reconstruction. I trusted in him to let me know what He wanted. Very shortly after I gave it all to him and told Him that I was going to wait on him to show me what to do, He gave me peace. (And He did it in a way that blew me away.)

I'm just an average person trying to be a girl God can use. I have so many shortcomings. I'm sure you know I'm a bad mom and an awful housekeeper. I don't pray or read my Bible like I should. I'm not a very good friend. I nag the Knight. I don't like to cook or eat healthy. I have no patience. The kids drink tea for breakfast because I haven't had any milk in the house for two days. I think bad thoughts about people and last week I didn't speak up when the cashier rang up my purchase incorrectly. I only iron if it's an emergency situation. Sometimes I practice what I'd say if I could tell people off. I won't let the girls get their ears pierced. I won't let Alex get the Little Man a turtle. I don't return phone calls. Today I screamed at my children from 8:45am until 11:30am. Seriously. And I didn't call Marty on her 40th birthday or even wish my in-laws a happy anniversary. And I don't like to share! This, my dear friends, is only a tiny slice of my badness.
My point is I am so weak, but He is strong. I'm nobody, but He is Everything. THIS is not really what I had in mind that day. Maybe I'm scarred and maybe my heart is broken, but God has never been more real to me. I have never been so in love with Him. I have never trusted Him more. And I've never been so happy in all my life.

I asked for this

One Sunday after church last year we were driving down Mile Creek Road (where you go around that curve and the cows are on the right), I prayed for God to use me for something special. I don't remember what the sermon was about or why I prayed that particular prayer that day, but I have a very vivid memory of it. I was asking Him to let me serve Him. I wasn't asking to be special in a lime-light, center- of -attention kind of way. I was asking Him to let me have a testimony I could use for His glory. I was hoping He might have a special mission project for me and my family. I was thinking it might involve our middle school class. Maybe I secretly thought He might give me an awesome singing voice or some really cool talent. I guess I was just feeling so close to Him and so in love with Him that I really wanted to let Him know that my life was His. The Knight's job was sort of shaky and we had prayed for 5 years that God would open the door for a new job, and I was so tired of waiting. We often talked about whether or not we would move away if he got a job somewhere else. I would always tell him that I would go wherever we needed to go for him to have a good job. I guess I was sort of restless at that point. His term of being a deacon was now over and we would have fewer responsibilities in the church. After 7 years, that was going to take some getting used to. I had an emptiness or you could call it a longing. I knew I had been blessed all through my life and I knew God was good, and I knew He wanted what was best for me. I knew I could trust Him and that He loved me. So riding down the road that day, sun shining, stomach growling, kids yelling- I just asked Him in a conversation inside my head. He heard me. My life will never be the same.

Genetically speaking

So if you could find out if you had the breast cancer gene, would you want to know? How would you feel if you found out that you had the gene, but your sister didn't? If you found out you had the gene would you elect to have a bilateral mastectomy as a prevention? If you were 71 and your daughter found out she had the gene, would YOU want to be tested? If your sister had the gene, and you were her brother, would you want to be tested or would you want your daughter to be tested. If you have the gene and you can narrow down which side of the family it comes from, how do you bear the bad news? How does God feel about all this genentic testing?

Yesterday's appoinment took an hour and a half. I had so many questions about being tested for the BRCA1 gene and the BRCA 2 gene. Reality is that if it turns out I have the gene, nothing new would be done for me medically. I would be at a higher risk for pancreatic cancer(there is no screening test for pancreatic cancer) and melanoma(I already go for a yearly exam with my dermatologist). So for me, it really doesn't matter all that much. But for my children and my extended family, I am going to have it done. Because my first breast cancer diagnosis was at such a young age (25), it is likely that I have it. My children would have a 50% chance of having the BRCA gene and if they have it, it doesn't necessarily mean they will develop breast cancer.

I wonder how other people feel about this. I can't help but think of the girls having the testing done one day when they are adults and one of them having it and the other not. UGH! That just sounds terrible and they call it "survivor's guilt". I can imagine them already "Thanks, mom!"

It's all so much to think about, but I have decided that I will do it. I feel like I owe it all the females in my family. But genetically linked or not, we are all at-risk. One in eight women will be diagnosed. Over 200,000 women will develop breast cancer just this year.

You know I am not a scientific person so this is the best way I know how to explain the testing. To me it's all about the emotional aspect of it all that plagues me. This is what I've been thinking about lately. What would YOU do?

Time flies

Time is flying by and the Little Man is now dating. Just kidding, but I LOVE this picture from Dollywood with him driving Joanna. The kids loved this park and watching them drive around that track made me smile.

I would love to report to you that things have settled down, but that is not the case. We have a busy week this week and then next weekend we are going to Arkansas for Labor Day weekend. I am looking forward to seeing my family over there and getting to visit with my mom who has been there for a few weeks already. I was telling the Little Man that we were going to be riding on a plane and I felt a pain in my heart. I thought about our last time on a plane was flying to Jacksonville in hopes of being with my dad before he died. That day just doesn't even seem real now. It's like it happened to someone else. I so hoped I would make it in time, but that was not God's plan. I was standing in line in the check-out and looking down and I noticed the man in front of me had legs and ankles that looked just like my dad. I tried to imagine that I was standing behind Dad and that I could just tap him on the shoulder and he would turn around and hug me. That is crazy, I know. I think of him so many times a day and I miss him terribly. I miss the times when he would call me during the day. I knew he was thinking about me and just picked up the phone at work and called to check on us. I missed going to Fripp Island with him and mom this summer. I know the Knight missed their time together on the golf course. Man, Dad loved him so much and it made me so happy that they got along as well as they did. Oh, it's late and I have to stop or I will get myself too upset to sleep.

I am really learning to trust God more and to realize that He really does have my best interest in mind. I feel closer to Him now than I've ever been. I want to serve Him more than I ever have. My dad would be so happy about that.

It's true

Remember Wednesday's verse?
Psalm 55:22-Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.
Good news friends! It's true! It's true!
I looked up the word sustain in the dictionary.
Sustain-v. 1: to provide with nourishment.
2: to keep going: prolong.
3: to hold up, prop.
I whined to you, my friends, and I hope that's okay. That is what friends do, right? Please don't hold that against me. You couldn't do anything for me except pray for me and many of you did I am sure of it. But I cried out to the Lord and He COULD do something about my troubles and He did! I have felt so much better the last few days. He supplied nourishment for me by allowing me to sleep wonderfully for the last 3 nights. I was at my wit's end. I was so tired this week and He kept me going. I just wanted to quit and He held me up.

As I have been thinking about this verse in my mind lately I thought it said "he shall NOT suffer the righteous to be moved." Just as I was typing it here I realized to my delight that it says "NEVER". Isn't that great? It is to me.

Lord, thank you for nourishing me with sleep, for keeping me going, for holding me up. Thank you for good friends who pray for me when times are tough. AMEN

Not-so-nice Mommy

Yesterday was such a successful and productive day. Today- nostsomuch. I think I need some hormones. Yep. I think that must be it. But you know I found out that my cancer is estrogen receptor positive which means that estrogen did not cause it, but it fueled it. At least that's the way my right brain processed that information. So that means I can't take any estrogen now after my hysterectomy. WELL, I think I need some. Badly. And I don't know what I'm going to do about it.

My first problem is that I cannot sleep. I am tired as all get out, but I just lie in bed wide awake. Sometimes I even take an Advil PM and still-nothing. Isn't that the most miserable thing ever? I stopped taking this one vitamin that I thought could have been causing it AND I cut out caffeine in the evening and still, I have sleepless nights. And sleep deprivation=Not-so-nice Mommy.

The second issue- headaches. I have never been a headachey-type person, but lately I have had the kind that even Aleve won't help. Headaches=Not-so-nice Mommy.

The third thing is- Not-so-nice Mommy. Don't talk to me, look at me, ask me anything, or breathe.

So Not-so-nice Mommy was trying to take a nap on the couch today because her head was ready to split wide open. I secured the fort and laid down just to rest really because it wouldn't be safe to nap with a two-year-old free in the house. The Little Man took this opportunity to jump off the couch forty-seven million times and shout "HI-YAH". (Read with your karate voice.)

So I'm making an appointment with every doctor I've ever seen and I'm going to get to the bottom of this ASAP. My luck somebody's gonna say Not-so-nice Mommy needs another colonoscopy.......

Psalm 55:22 Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.

Back to school!

The girls were so excited to go back to school. They came home bubbly and happy about their classes and their teachers. Looks like we are off to a great start. I am so glad my children like school.

Momentary happiness

Contrary to what I was accused of today, I was not basking in tranquility somewhere with cucumbers over my eyes. I had a goal and I accomplished it. I am happy. Perhaps you are wondering what it is that would make Fern so happy. You probably think I'd be happy with a new car or some fancy piece of jewelry. A carribean cruise? Well, this is what makes me jump for joy. This sight is what makes me so happy I could cry.









































Wait for it....






























That's right. An EMPTY laundry hamper. Ain't nuttin in there but a forlorn sock, a forgotten cami, and eleven cents. Oh happy day! I know. It's sad. A cruise could me make me happy too, though.

You go, Mama!

Good grief! I have 47 pages of information sheets to fill out for both girls for tomorrow, but all I want to do is blog. For awhile I sort of lost sight of my purpose here, OR maybe I have just been too distracted and busy, OR maybe the kids have stayed up too late for me to even have the time to get my thoughts together, but I'M BACK. I feel invigorated. The Lord has been so good to me and I have an obligation of sorts to share that with anyone who will listen.

My mom is really fired up about sharing her faith and I am trying to encourage her. I said to her "What have you got to lose Mom? If people just think you've gone mad with grief, then that's okay." I laugh when I think about her at the grocery store, waiting for the right person and the courage to strike up a conversation and give them a tract. But she has really been a blessing to me lately due to her newfound courage and her real urgency to tell people about Jesus. She has a great testimony about how the Lord has helped her these last few months. Losing the love of her life, something that oftentimes causes people to go into a deep depression, or to lose hope, or just completely fall apart, has caused my mom to reinvent herself, to really find her purpose. She has a story to tell, a Lord and Savior to share and a light to shine for others. SHE really needs a blog. She's always had a card ministry where she'd send notes to people who may need encouragement or just to let them know they were missed in Sunday School. Lately though she has been writing thank you notes or just random letters to people that would just blow you away. She has such a way with words. My thank you cards are usually boring cookie cutter things that people read over the trash can. If you ever get a note from my mom, you'll save it. You'll tuck it in a book somewhere and read it again later. Her whole life has been spent being a wife and mother and when dad died she felt lost. Dad was the main decision maker, yet she did so many things for him. She didn't just take care of him, she took good care of him; fixed him breakfast every morning-special shakes with whey protein, flax seed oil, oatmeal and fruit. (I'm doing good if there's a banana in the fruit basket for the Knight!) She waited on him hand and foot. He made the decisions about finances, house repair, etc. So while she was entrenched in grief, she was struggling to make all the decisions AND feeling like she wasn't needed. In the last month, though, I have watched her become transformed. She has a peace about her because she has a purpose now and a different kind of joy that one can only experience when you find that Jesus really is all you need. I'm excited for her really. She is well on her way to being all out for God.

She misses Dad terribly, but she has a job to do before she sees him again.

Happy New (School) Year!

So when Pam suggested we take our families to Pigeon Forge this summer I was a little bit skeptical. I mean first of all, I'm a beach girl. I grew up in Florida for cryin' out loud. A beach vacation was almost written into my prenuptual agreement. And secondly, could anyone tolerate the Fernfamily in close quarters for 6 days straight? (Remember how I told you my kids have been totally unruly of late.) Well, I must say that we had a great time. The kids played well together, The Knight and Larry got along fabulously, Pam and I discovered we are sisters separated at birth, Dollywood is really a great place and aside from having to wear a swimsuit, Splash Country was a blast. So for anyone out there wondering, the beach will always be my favorite spot to vacation, but Pigeon Forge is a close second.

The girls are heading back to school Tuesday! Can you hear the excitement in my voice? It's time. We have had all the lazy days of summer we can take and it is time to get a little structure back into our lives. Allison is starting a new school for third grade and will take back up with her piano lessons. Zoey is excited about first grade and ready to get back on the soccer field. The Little Man is turning three on the 31st and will be going to school five days a week this year.

The beginning of the new school year is like the beginning of a new calendar year for me. I like to set goals, make plans, and start over. I even buy school supplies for myself. (Three rolls of tape and a new hole punch today.) So since the beginning of 2009 was a total dud for me, I'm looking at this as sort of a new start for me too. I am looking forward to a new Bible study at RSBC, working out at the Y, and reconstructive surgery. I have prayed about the surgery and I feel at peace about it now. I can't really explain what happened, but I will say that walking close to God is wonderful and knowing His will is the best feeling in the world! I don't know that I will be blogging about all the details here, but I will be happy to talk with anyone who is interested.

So you're up to date with me. Vacation was fun. School starts back this week. God is good.

A small request from a big dog

Hi Friends,

My family is going out of town next week and I have to go to be boarded at the vet. Unless of course anyone out there would like to take me in for the week and make a little extra money. I must warn you though, I am big. Really big. But I am friendly, very well behaved and fully house trained, and I do not shed. I sleep in a crate and like to lie on the the AC vent most of the day.

You can email my parents if you are willing to take me in. Thanks for your kind consideration.

Sincerely, Woody

PS- I've been to the groomer and I smell great!

Forever my Knight

He showed up at the front door of my little mill house one February night in full western dress, including tight jeans, a cowboy hat and a big belt buckle. He wisked me away to a night of county line dancing at the Crystal Pistol. It didn't take many dates to realize this was it for us and it didn't take long to figure out he was no cowboy. Instead he was a knight and we started spending every spare minute with each other. I told him all about my cancer battle the year prior, just so he would know that this chick was no ordinary college girl. I thought he should know that life with me may not be easy. It was scary to fall in love so fast and begin thinking about being with that someone forever. At that point in time I wasn't even sure forever would be that long for me.

I'm not sure why I am in the mood to reminisce about the early days with the Knight. Lately there have been days when I am weary just trying to keep my head above water. Some days I joke that I may just leave and not come back. Most days I meet him at the door when he walks in from work and thank him for coming home.(I usually run to him and fall into his arms and say "Thank you for coming home" in a super-dramatic fashion. You can ask him. He will verify this fact.) I have doubts sometimes that I am a good mother. I often second-guess my child rearing ability. Sometimes I wonder if my children are going to turn out normal in spite of their crazy mama. I pray for God to give me patience and to help me be the mom He wants me to be. There's so much I don't know about this job as a domestic engineer. But what keeps me showing up for work everyday, the reason I know I can make a go at this child-rearing gig, is that my co-worker (my boss, really) is the man that God chose for me. There's something about that fact that makes me so infinitely happy that even in my lowest times, my most frustrating of days, when dark clouds of insecurity loom overhead, I know that God, because he is so good, picked him and that we will live together for as long as God intends for our forever to be.

Watch me, Daddy!

"Watch me, Daddy!" I'd say as I performed my latest underwater maneuver in our pool. "Watch me, Daddy!" I'd say as I turned a cartwheel in front of the television news.

As I was getting ready for the ladies' prayer walk breakfast at church this morning, I came across a verse that has been rolling through my head all afternoon.
Psalm 99:5- Exalt ye the Lord our God, and worship at his footstool: for he is holy.

I love the image of the footstool. That's EXACTLY where I want to be-on the footstool of God.

I'm envisioning God the Father there smiling at me while I am sitting on his footstool worshipping Him. I'm close to him, there at his feet even, as near as I can be. He's looking only at me. No tv, no newspaper, no baseball game. But I can't think of the words to say. I'm too overcome with gratitude. I'm sure I have a huge lump in my throat and very shy. So instead of talking to him I'm just going to show him. I'm going to use my talent-maybe it's not a cartwheel or water aerobics. But it's the talent he gave me. It's what he handpicked for me to use for his glory. "Watch me..."