The Little Man is secure

Does this look like an escape artist to you??? Can you picture him running around the cul-de-sac with Allison screaming after him? This face almost says "Nanananananana. You can't catch me."

You'll be relieved to know that the last remaining door has been "Little Man proofed". The back door is steel so the Knight had a hard time getting the lock installed last night. We never had this problem of "break-outs" with the girls. He is just trying to make his mama crazy is all I know. When someone comes to the door now it's like opening up the bank. Poor Zoey is too short to reach so she just looks through the side light to communicate to her neighbor friend. So today I celebrated the tightness of this ship, took a nice 5 minute long shower and even shaved my legs. When I got out, he was Swiffering my kitchen floor.

The girls are SO competitive these days. I just shake my head when I think about how silly they are. Zoey has only lost one tooth so far so when her second tooth got very loose tonight, I made a big deal and told her now she'd have some spending money for the zoo tomorrow. So guess what happened after church tonight? Allison lost a tooth, too! Karie was teasing her and told her it was a permanent tooth and she cried the whole way home.

So the Riverbanks Zoo tomorrow and then "Camp Nana" for the girls this weekend. They are so excited and I know they will love being away from mom and dad. The Little Man cried when he figured out he wasn't going to stay, so we'll have to do something extra special for him.

We had a great time with my mom here last week. She is such a great mom and I apprectiate her now more that I ever have. We got to babysit these little cuties today and they were a lot of fun. It's a joy to see them grow.

That's about it for me. What have you been up to?

Mama, come back!

I could not WAIT to get out from under my parents strict rules and get out on my own. Growing up they had some rules that I thought were absurd: church every Sunday, no driver's license until you've taken Driver's Ed, no dating until you're sixteen, be home by midnight. Can you believe how MEAN they were to me? I just wanted to do things on my own.
Even though I yearned for freedom, it was a bit scary at first. My parents unloaded all my things into my dorm room, I walked them out to the car, told them goodbye, and they drove away. I turned around and thought, "Uh oh. Which one is my dorm and what am I gonna do now?"
When I was first diagnosed with cancer I told my parents that I wanted to return to Clemson and finish my last semester of graduate school. I remember sitting in the airport with my mom shortly after my cancer surgery. I was thinking "How am I going to go to school and go through chemo and radiation on my own?"
When Allison was born Mom came up and stayed with me two weeks and helped me transition into my new role as a mom. When dad took her home I remember thinking, "How am I going to take care of this baby on my own?"
Well, mom left yesterday and today I was thinking "I've been spoiled for 2 weeks. How am I going to get back to doing this on my own again?"
The Little Man woke up at 7:30, demanding breakfast, a Popsicle and to go outside. The day went downhill from there. While I was in the shower(do you notice that things often go awry whilst I am showering? Yes, legs are hairy.) he escaped from the house and ran outside and into the cul-de-sac while sister was chasing him and screaming. (I only imagine her to be screaming since I was in the shower). She managed to get him corralled inside and he crawled up on top of the dog kennel . She kept him there until I came out in my towel wondering what all the fuss was about."Mom," she said. "Please don't ever leave me with this kid again. I cannot do this on my own."

I know what you mean Allison. I know what you mean.

How can I ever thank Him?

One of these days I'm going to be face to face with Jesus. And then I'm going to fall on my face and try to somehow put into words how thankful I am for what he has done in my life. I'm not sure I'll have the words or even the wherewithall to fully express what's in my heart. He knows my heart is full, but it just doesn't seem adequate.

So in the meantime, I'm going to try my very hardest to be as faithful to Him as He has been to me......

that's not a movie star-that's my mom!

I have always been envious of friends whose parents lived close by. I missed out not having my parents for Sunday dinners, birthday celebrations, ball games, school events, emergency kid issues, etc. I have often thought to myself "Why did I ever choose to live so far away from my parents?" Must have been crazy-in-love or something like that.

It's been great having my mom here this week. She is really just a pleasure to be around. I worry the kids get on her nerves with their incessant chatter, yelling, flip-flopping, and bossy attitudes, but if they are, she is handling it well. She helps me without me having to tell her what I need. She's pretty cool like that. She has always taken such good care of me and she still is. She knows God has something else in store for her life and I secretly hope it's to move in next door to her favorite daughter. Whatever it is, I just hope to spend more time together like we have this week.

Carry Me

How many times have I heard the words "Carry me, Mommy." Even Zoey who is six years old and 52 pounds still asked to be carried through the Clemson botanical gardens yesterday. Yet she was disgusted by her classmate who had to be carried into class on the first day of Kindergarten with his fearful face buried in his mother's chest. The Little Man seeks independence from the dreaded stroller only to ask shortly into the walk, "Carry me, Mommy?"
I hate sickness and death and loss. January, February, March, April, May-I didn't much care for those months. I hate hospitals and funeral homes and bone scans and cemetaries.
But do you know what I do like? I like to be carried.

Lord, I am thankful that when I'm tired from walking, when I'm weak from sickness, when I am fearful of the unknown, when I'm heavy with grief, you will always carry me. Amen

Call me Crafty

I've been working third shift on my latest craft project. The kids don't go to bed until so late now that my only FREE time is between 10 and 12am. Call me if you're up and we'll chat sometime. If you've known me for very long you know how I love crafts. Not the popsicle stick variety, but usually something pertaining to the house or the kids. In fact, I'd love to be an artist; Mary Engelbreit is my fav. The highest compliment you can give me is to tell me that I am creative. I want to be the first to come up with a great idea. My favorite things are- ribbon(remember my short lived Zoe's Bows business?), painting(remember those adorable Halloween buckets?) and of course anything dealing with school supplies. That's probably the real reason I became a teacher in the first place. Oh how I love decorative papers, calligraphy pens, stationery, paint pens, Sharpies and such. I am so happy when I sit down with a freshly sharpened pencil and a brand new notebook. I just love that Staples and Hobby Lobby are in the same strip mall!

So anyway, my latest craft idea is this daily prayer calendar. I had the best time making these cards with my new Hallmark cardmaker software, laminating them (yes, I have my own laminator) and then tying them up with ribbon. I wanted it to be handy enough for a mom to throw in her purse or keep in the car. The idea is that each day you pray a different virtue for your children. We do not pray for our children enough and with the way this world is, we need to cover them in prayer daily. For example- day 12 is Courage and it says "Lord, may my children always be strong and courageous in their character and their actions" and on the back I have typed out Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them...

So, do you like? If you'll email me a picture of your children I'd love to make one for you. I'll take the first 500 orders!

Home Sweet Home

It's good to be home and it's even better that I didn't have to say goodbye to my mom. I am so excited to have her here for the week. (maybe more if I can keep her longer). Our days flew by but we had a good time in Jacksonville. The Knight acted like he missed us terribly, but I think he secretly enjoyed the peace and quiet. One sad thing that happenend-Woody loves him more than me now...

I was really hoping I could lose some weight during the oncology rehab, but that didn't happen. The program was beneficial for me in many ways even though weight loss was not one of them. I am planning to start working out at the YMCA on Monday, Wednesday and Friday in September. I'll drop off the Little Man at school (3-K, can you believe it?) and go straight there. If anyone out there is interested in joining me, please let me know! For now I am still walking with my neighbor early in the morning. No, Marylena I did NOT miss you-I loved sleeping in this week!

On a serious note-I've been thinking a lot about reconstructive surgery. I have thought September after the kids went back to school would be a good time, but I am sort of rethinking that plan. I haven't really gotten peace about it to be honest. I am seeking God's will and right now I'm not sure reconstruction is what He wants for me at this time. You know before I had my double mastectomy God gave me the verse Colossians 2:10- And ye are complete in him. The night before my surgery I was contemplating losing a part of me, but I kept thinking about that fact that God is what completes me. For many years I was not complete, but now that I have a real relationship with Christ- I AM complete. Being flat chested hasn't bothered me too much so really, why do I need reconstruction? I sort of see it as my "survivor badge". Why would I want to take that away? It keeps me humble. It's hard to look in the mirror and get carried away complimenting myself on my good looks! It's a constant reminder that God chose me to do a good work. I am honored to be chosen by my Lord as a representative of his healing power, his mercy, his grace, the power of the Holy Spirit, his strength, and above all HIS LOVE.

I hope you'll help me pray about this. I am searching the scriptures to find his will, and right now, this day, I don't think it's time. I'm looking at this verse in Romans 12. I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

God has shown such mercy toward me. I was bought with a price and He wants all of me. SO maybe right now I am to forget what the world views as completeness. Maybe I should be content and concentrate more on what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Don't get me wrong people, lest you think I'm trying to be all dramatic here. I want to be "normal" again. I want to get back that confidence I am lacking in my clothes. I'm tired of wearing jackets when it's 98 degrees outside. I hate that without a chest my abdomen sticks out terribly. My posture is getting poor, my babies have no soft place to rest their head, and The Knight well, you know.... BUT, if this is the price I have to pay for a richer life-fine! If this is what I must do to be closer to Christ-bring it! I want my life to be a reflection of Him and if that means being without breasts then SO BE IT!
I do not want anything I might do to detract from anything He has done. I don't want to be "conformed" into what I think I should be. I want to be "transformed" into what He wants me to be. Maybe one day, after my mind has been renewed and I have truly been transformed, I'll have reconstruction. But as of today-it's not gonna happen. I'm still a work in progress. I'll keep you posted.

I left my brain in Carolina!

No pictures to post because I left my brain at home and I cannot figure out much on the computer without him. So you'll just have to imagine that the kids had a great time at the beach today....

I am just amazed at how well my mom is doing. She is so strong and I feel like she has grown so close to the Lord during the last few months. She has truly experienced HIM and being with her and seeing how she's coping is helping me too. It was a horrible thing to lose the love of her life, but God is truly filling up that empty space with himself. He's like that you know.

I could just sob when I see Dad's closet full of clothes. I looked in dad's wallet tonight fully expecting to find one of those fold out accordion picture holders with 40 pictures of me in it. I looked through some of his golf things in the garage and pictured him in that hat he used to wear and these crazy "sleeves" he'd wear on his arms to keep off the sun. It hurts so bad, yet it feels good to be close to him for a second.

Tomorrow's list of things to do--facial 11:00am, massage 12:00pm. Yay me!

Safe and Sound

Somebody out there was praying for us today because we had a wonderful trip down to Jacksonville. The kids were so good and there was very little traffic and best of all the time flew by. Thank you Lord for safe traveling mercies and calm children. The Little Man did especially well and I am very thankful. He was SO excited about seeing MiMi that we had to go ahead and put his suitcase in the car yesterday and then he wanted to take it into church last night, too.

I had a little breakdown after we got here. It was so hard to drive up and know that Pop wasn't going to be sitting there on the porch waiting for us. And of course Mom hasn't done much with his stuff, so he is everywhere in this house it seems. I guess this will get easier with time. I plan to take some pictures while I am here to show you this house and why Dad loved it so much. It's just beautiful.

I think we are beach bound tomorrow. Remind me to put sunblock on the White Knight's children!

Happy Friday!

Whoohoo! It's the weekend! Even though I don't work outside the home, I still look foward to Fridays. Marylena and I walked at 6:45AM four days in a row this week-2 1/2 miles and I am so glad she's letting me off for the weekend. I am going to sleep so late The Knight will have to make ME up in the bed! We don't have plans other than household chores and hanging out. I am feeling better than I have been the last few days and I'm looking forward to spending next week with mom in Jacksonville. Certainly dreading the drive, but hopefully with a lot of movies, the trip with go smoothly.

I am planning to take a lot of pictures while I am there and I will be sure to share them with you here so stay tuned.

In the meantime I'll share this with you. I'm afraid it's foreshadowing and it's not good. The Little Man has the cutest pair of boxers, but look what happens.... this look is one that I pray will NOT be in style in 10 years! Have a good weekend! I Love you all!

Heavy Laden

It's tough to be a SHM in the summer. There's no routine, no schedule to follow, no rest for the weary. I am ashamed to say that I am frazzled, impatient, irritated and weary. I have been reading a book my mom gave me called Grieving the Loss of Someone you Love and it talks about the stages of grief and today it was about being real and not trying to rush things and taking time to grieve. It says that you have to pay attention to your needs and pay attention to yourself. I think that I have been so busy since dad died, I mean I had to go on with life, and now I'm wondering if I haven't taken the time to really grieve. I know everyone is different, and I know only 4 months have passed, but I feel like I am stuck. I'm stuck in a place I wish I could move past. I wish I could be by myself for a while and look at pictures from the past and think and just cry my eyes out. I have a family. I have a home to run. I can't just take a day off and walk around my house in my pajamas crying and screaming and letting it all out. The last few days though that's almost what I am longing to do. I mean did I ever even take time to process my cancer diagnosis and grieve the loss of part of me? It's good to be busy, but maybe this busy-ness is keeping me in a sort of holding pattern. I have noticed a few things about myself that I am bothered by and I'm confused because I don't know if this could be due to a lack of hormones or if it's part of grief. I find that I cannot concentrate. I can't focus when people are talking- my mind wanders. I cannot sit and watch tv anymore and I hardly ever talk on the phone. Lately I feel like I am just going through the motions and not really living. Does anybody out there relate to this? It's like my mind isn't clear, time is flying by and I have nothing to show for it. There's so much that I want to do, and man do I stay busy, yet I feel like I'm not making "progress." Maybe I'm just in a slump. I'm sure this too will pass. Thanks for listening.....

Matthew 11:28-29
Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

What a weekend!

The Knight has been off for the last fews days and we had a fabulous weekend!

I swept up this much sand off the kitchen floor! Outdoor sandbox slowing moving indoors...

I made this yummy cake!The Knight slept so late one day I had to make him up in the bed.

We had a cookout with our neighbors and the kids planned the "program"!

We celebrated Erica's 8th birthday at the pool.

And I got to spend time with this LittleRed Man! (Isn't he the cutest thing you've ever seen?)

I am so thankful for the freedoms we enjoy as Americans! God bless the USA!