dad update

Pale and frail. That's how my brother described my dad yesterday. Thankfully, he went with them to the doctor just so we could have another person who knows what the doctor is saying. They did another chest x-ray but were not able to get the results yesterday. They upped his acid reflux med and scheduled him for that test where they put the camera down your esophagus and check out your chest and upper body all the way to your small intestine. That'll be on Monday. They also will schedule a CT scan on his chest. My brother said dad had to rest walking from one building to the other and was terribly weak. He's lost a considerable amount of weight and is still not eating enough to even gain any strength. I just don't know what to think. It's just miserable to realize how long it's been since he has felt good. BUT, I have come to terms with the fact that the best place for my mom is at home with my dad. Really, he needs her more than I need her. I tried to talk to her last night and I hope I was able to release her from the responsibility we feel as mothers to be there for our children through heck and high water. I hope I convinced her that I will be okay. The Knight will be there for me at the hospital and my MIL will be here at the house to care for the kids, church family and other friends are handling the food and any other miscellaneous things we may need. THEN when dad is feeling better, she can come up and "kick it on in there" for us. She seemed like she was coming to terms with it and when I hung up I felt SOOOO much better. This has been a real source of stress for me because I know she wants to be here for me as much as I want her to be. But for whatever reason, it doesn't seem to be working out. I can't imagine what God is doing, but you know he works behind the scenes all the time if we are his children. I imagine him always there just working on and planning our lives for us. All we have to do is ask him to take care of it. I have and I know mom has and now we have to let our human emotions get in line and let it go. Everything is going to be alright. It'll all be good in the end.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I'm doing laundry, the girls have gone skating with a friend, the little man is taking a nap and the knight is doing all kind of "honey do" list kinds of things- straightening the garage, putting songs on my ipod, putting pictures on my digital picture frame, and other knightly kinds of stuff. He is the best. Last night after I got off the phone with mom and our dreaded conversation was over, I treated myself to a night in the recliner watching 2 of my favorite movies-You've got Mail AND Sleepless In Seattle, starring you know who-ME!Okay- Meg. But it was DE-lightful! I don't know why, but I have a hard time just sitting and watching tv. Most of the time I'm doing something else(reading, folding laundry, on the computer, the phone, etc.) and tv is in the background. I'll go for now, I don't want to bore you. I have so many things I'd like to talk about before I go on a writing on hiatus (or into the hospital as some would see it.) I mean I haven't even told you about my fabulous children.
I will leave you with a neat verse from the book of

Nahum- 1:7 The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; and he knoweth them that trust in him.

Do you know my Lord? It's a good verse among some that are troubling, but that just reminds me again that ---life is not fair but God is good.

Down and Up

Today was one of those days like I was telling you about. I've been either on the verge of tears or in tears most of the day. I am so upset that my dad is not doing better. He is on a mega dose of antibiotic, but still just hasn't bounced back like he should have. He has not been to work and still has that cough and mom has been at home all week I'm sure just wringing her hands. They are putting on a good front for me when I call. I can almost imagine my mom being like "uh-oh, it's her. Wake up, perk up, act cool and don't cough." He has his follow-up appointment tomorrow and I hope they do a chest xray to be sure the pneumonia is gone. They assure me they are coming and I really want them to be here, -you know "I want my mama!" and all, but how in the world is he going to travel all the way up here for one thing and how miserable is going to be here at my house not feeling worth a darn? Who wants to recover in someone else's Lazy Boy? On the other hand, how can they stay at home when their favorite baby girl is having surgery??? I am just seriously stressed out about this and I know they are too. I just hope that God will heal him super-quick OR help us all just deal with the realization that the best place for them is at home and that I will be alright here with all of you to look after me. Please pray with me about this! I have not been able to get much done at all today other than spend a bunch of money at Target.

And if that isn't enough the Dr. called to say my test showed up positive for a urinary track infection which I didn't even know I had AND ladies guess what else? Can you believe it? It's like my body is laughing at me saying "Oh, just one more time, just for kicks!" I really am sorry to be venting like this, but that is what this blogging stuff is for, right. To keep my girlfriends abreast of my situation and therapy for me. And above all, to give God the glory through my madness, my sadness and a good dose of humor. Just think how much fun I am going to be next week when I get slammed into menopause overnight. Okay, now who wants to be my friend??? Anyone, anyone?

On the other hand, it was great to laugh a bunch with my girlfriends from church at the "Revealing of the Secret Sisters" dinner tonight. Good food, funny stories and plenty of laughs and not one pitiful look. "The bad table" was a BLAST!! I didn't even have to share my food either.

Dear Lord your word says in Isaiah 40:29 that you give power to the faint and to them that have no might you increase strength. I have no might today and my pop needs your strength.
Thank you for Anna and Suzie and baked lasagna. Please take care of my neglected friend.

Be normal

Wow! I thought you guys had a lot of funny jokes about me getting old, but the jokes I've heard about my experience yesterday really BLEW me away. But I must say, I love it! Please keep making me laugh. I've gotten enough of those poor, pitiful looks. I can't take it. I will never forget walking into church after getting the "big c" diagnosis. It was Christmas eve, as a matter of fact, and we were late of course. I looked around and everyone, and I mean everyone, had the worst expressions on their faces I have ever seen. I wanted to run out. When I fussed at some of you later you said they weren't looks of pity, but just concern. I understand that I guess, but I need you to just be normal. I know that's hard because I picked you to be my friend because you aren't normal. You know that right? Just smile at me and be your normal aggravating, silly, sarcastic, harassing, hilarious self. OK? And if you even think for a second that I'm not going to be around 50 years from now to do the same thing to you- you are wrong.

So Maybe I've had a few doubts and some times of fear, and shed buckets full of tears. I've considered just staying in bed and feeling sorry for myself for a few days. I think about losing it and doing something crazy, like ramming my shopping cart into your car. Perhaps I could even be teetering on the edge of a tiny break down. But I have never, ever doubted that I made the right choice the day I turned my life over to Jesus Christ. I just can't imagine and don't want to imagine going through life without Him. I am so thankful for the strength that He's giving me each day. He keeps me out of bed and off the ledge. He holds me together, gives me courage, calms my nerves, dries my eyes and protects your car.

Psalm 73:26- My flesh and my heart faileth; but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever.

Clean as a whistle

Well, for those of you who have never had a colonoscopy, I must say the procedure itself was a breeze. Getting ready for the procedure, however, is much more like a bad storm. UGH!!!! Tonight I feel like one of those poor puffed up frogs we used to find in our pool. I'm just glad that's all behind me now. (No pun intended, of course)
I saw Dr. Ellison yesterday and he filled me in on the details of the hysterectomy. He said I'll have plenty of pain meds and should be able to go home by Friday. He'll go in at my old c-section scar where my 10 pound baby came out. I really don't understand why they can't just cut that whole fat stomach area out, pull it down real tight and sew it up. Like ta-dah! That's okay, I'm sure my enlarged uterus is going to weigh at least ten pounds! Then I saw Dr. Young and he went over the procedure for the bilateral mastectomy. I'll have drain tubes for several days after I come home and they'll show "The Knight" how to do all that for me. He really should have been a doctor, you know. Then out of the blue, almost as we were headed out the door for a "lunch date", he says he really thinks I should have a colonoscopy tomorrow (today). I was so mad. It's one thing to know in advance you're getting ready to have to starve to death and camp out on the toilet, but to be sent home with a grocery list of Dulcolax and Miralax and no lunch, that was upsetting. At that moment I knew I should have had that pizza for breakfast.

So today I had pre-op where I answered 50 million questions, had an EKG, urine sample, blood drawn, gave my insurance info, met with the anesthesiologist and made a payment. Then over to the hospital for more questions, another payment and the OTHER procedure. Came home and slept and went to Ruby Tuesdays to EAT!!!!! Yippee! Many thanks to Julia for driving me, holding my purse and watching the kids while I slept it off. Also, thanks to Mrs.Cynde for taking the Little Man to school early with her. Thanks to Amy and the "two babies" for corralling him for me yesterday. I am so blessed to have such caring people in my life!

So, six days and counting. Who knows what'll pop up in these next few days. Just so you know, I didn't get to have MY pedicure today, but the dog's getting groomed tomorrow. Life is just not fair!

Out of this yucky day a neat thing happened I want to share. Out of all the hospital visits and good doctors I've had over the years, Dr. Young is the first doctor I remember praying with me. He said, "Before I begin I'd like to pray." I said, "Oh please do!" He put his hand on my head and kind of rubbed my hair as he prayed and it was so nice. That room had just been hopping. I was tense. Everyone trying to get their gloves on and the iv going and get into their place, but then when he prayed it was just like everything just calmed down. It was so nice to know my physician knew MY PHYSICIAN. He calms every storm. I wish He would calm my roaring belly.

Goodnight dear friends. I wish you all a happy colon. And remember. Always eat a good breakfast before any and all doctor's visits. You never know what tomorrow may hose. I mean hold.

Caution! I have to skip a meal!

I had plans for tomorrow. The plan has been changed from toes to hose. From
"-icure" to "-oscopy". Can't write now- I gotta GO!!!!!!

My Pop is feeling better

Thank you for praying for my dad. He IS feeling better and was able to come home from the hospital Friday. He's on a heavy antibiotic and mom says he didn't cough so much last night. I hope he continues to feel better cause come next Tuesday-
I WANT MY MAMA!!!!!!!!

I want to be like Mrs. Jessie

Today marks the one year anniversary of the passing of a dear lady from my church. There's not been one event held in our fellowship building this past year that I haven't just had a pain in my heart that she was not there, standing at the sink cleaning up or graciously accepting compliments on one of her famous dishes. She was quiet and deeply grieved by the loss of her husband several years ago, but she was the most thoughtful, caring and generous person I've ever known.

I really don't know all that she did on her last day on earth, but I do know a few things. This is what I imagine her day was like - She woke up early and made sure her grocery list was complete and headed out to buy a few things. She had her husbands nephew's family on her mind as they were mourning his recent death. She thought about her little friend at church who sick and not at church last Sunday. She thought about the missionary family soon to be leaving for a far away place. She had these things on her heart as she prayed to God about each one. She stopped by the landfill to leave her trash and hand out a few gospel tracts in hopes the workers there might know about Jesus' love. She came home and baked a cake, wrote out a get well card and sewed awhile on some purses she was making for the missionary's daughters. That afternoon she took that cake to the grieving family. She gave them that cake she had baked with her love and care and concern all over it and then left this earth to meet her Heavenly father.

The news spread quickly throughout our church members. As a deacon's wife I had to make a lot of the calls to let people know of her passing. What a sad thing to hear so many people in shock and grieving this loss of such a dear and special person. The next day as I went out the get my mail, I saw a card with the return address-Mrs. Jessie. It was a card she bought for my daughter and had mailed the day she died. I cried and cried and hesitated as I called to tell her daughter that I had heard from Heaven. When she got on the phone and I told her about the card, I heard her cry in that way only daughters cry when they lose their mothers. She said so many people had been sharing with her about what a special person her mama was, but that made losing her even worse. It was so hard for her to know all the good that her mama had done for others and she could not understand why God would take her away from them. I don't know why, but I do know she is happy. One day I will have to delete her name off my phone, but the sweet memories of her will never be gone from my heart.

What's on your "To Do" list today?

Mine says -Be like Mrs.Jessie.

Pray for my dad

My dad is in the hospital tonight with pneumonia. He's had a terrible cough for the longest time and they kept putting him on antibiotics and running tests and he just kept getting worse. Mom finally MADE him go to the ER today and they admitted him with pneumonia. Please pray for a speedy recovery for him. He's always been the "wind beneath my wings" and I love him dearly.

Charter Communications is not my friend

Hello everyone,

I have missed writing this week because the cable company is updating the system in our area. It's been miserable not getting to write to you. I had gotten into a habit of writing at night when the kids were asleep as a way of getting some thoughts off my mind before bed. I may have to make two entries per day to catch up!

Some of you have been asking about bringing us food and my friend Julia has offered to be my "Casserole coordinator"! Her e-mail is wmcwhorter6729@charter.net

Everything is going well so far. I go to see both Dr. Young and Dr. Ellison on Monday so I should be fully informed after those visits. Tuesday I have pre-op and then a week later I'll be under the knife, but securely under God's sheltering wing.

The kids are all fine and I expect they will handle this all very well. My oldest "Ga-ga 1" is, of course, the most perceptive and senses the seriousness of what is going on. I believe she will thrive from the challenge and be a huge help. The little man will be fine as long as someone will "heed books". I am a bit concerned about "Ga-ga 2" She needs the most attention and may have a harder time. She has a way of getting that attention through the strong bonds she has formed with other. She adores her Nana and MiMi and will most likely insist on plenty of lap time while they are here. She so loves her teachers and some of the teens in our church take up time with her also. And of course there's Carl. A five-year-old in a tall, skinny man's body whom I believe she would choose over her mom and dad any day of the week. I am so thankful for the way my friends and church family have always loved and cared for my children. We feel so blessed to have so many Godly role models for them to look up to.

And then there's my "knight". He seems to be holding up well, but I can't help but wonder. He's always been pretty quiet and serious-my polar opposite, of course! Please pray for him.

The time is flying by. I have lots of little things to get done before surgery, so I haven't had too much time to feel sorry for myself. Just when I start to feel a little sad about the mastectomy, God sends me a verse.
Colossians 2:10-And ye are complete in him...

A note from the Knight

Due to technical difficulties sadly beyond are control, this blog has not been updated. Rest assured all is well. Thank you for your care and concern.

The Knight in shining armor.

That nagging shoulder pain

It's been an emotionally exhausting, but spiritually uplifting week. When we found out that the biopsy showed cancer, we were, of course, very upset. But after some serious tears and a whole lot of conversations with the Lord, peace came somewhat easily for us. I know I never could have handled it had you all not covered me in prayer. I was at peace with having a mastectomy and the idea of chemotherapy. I felt like I could handle that with the help of family, friends and most importantly God. But that nagging shoulder pain was like a constant reminder to me that "Hey, the battle could be bigger." And it brought questions like, "Oh Lord, is this going to be the end of my life here on earth?" and "what about my babies?" Looking back on that now I can see that it was almost like He was saying "I know you could handle Plan A, but what would you do if I went with Plan B?" It was that nagging shoulder pain that brought me near the cross. It was that nagging shoulder pain that brought me to my knees. It was that nagging shoulder pain that brought me to his word. It was that nagging shoulder pain that brought me to the point I am today. God is so good, whether it's Plan A or Plan B. I praise Him for that nagging shoulder pain.


So here's the rest of the story that I hope will make you laugh out loud- You know what they said that shoulder pain looks like it's going to be? Arthritis!!! Can you believe it? Arthritis! I've never been so happy to be getting old!


Thank you Lord for helping me through a rough week. Thank you for the comfort I found in reading Your Word. And thank you for allowing me to get old!

I told you so....

I told you there was something in all of this for you too, didn't I? When was the last time you prayed for someone as much as you have prayed for me this past week? I know, me too. I was just cruising along with my life, thinking I was pretty close to the Lord, and then I got whopped upside the head with a cancer diagnosis. Everything has changed in just a few short weeks. I am sorry to have caused so much worry for my family and friends, but I am so thankful that we have all moved closer to the Lord as a result. I feel like my walk is closer, my faith has been increased, and my whole outlook has been changed. I am glad to hear many of you say that by me going through this, you have been changed, too.

My computer is acting up, so I have been having to script what I want to say to you in my head. The last few days I have been walking around, going about my daily chores, just thanking the Lord. HE IS GOOD, but you know what? He still would have been good even if the results had been bad. He has been so good to me, if having a much bigger cancer battle to fight had been in his plan, then he would have made a way for me to handle it. I have no faith in my own ability to handle life's problems. NONE. I think I would have absolutely gone over the edge the past few days if I didn't know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is in control.

What's next for us? I don't know. I'm still just collecting new pajamas, looking forward to the casseroles and falling more in love with my Lord everyday.

I have wonderful news!!!!

I heard from an inside source just awhile ago that from all my tests from yesterday there is no evidence of cancer anywhere else!!!!

PRAISE THE LORD I am so relieved and I know you all are too!!

No time to write now, but I wanted to share this fantastic news with all of you ASAP!!!

Love you all!

1 nuclear injection, 2 bottles of "vanilla" contrast

This is us enjoying the famous Fern family birthday/any occasion/just because Nana is coming for a visit cake! That's me in the purple pajamas.

My tests went well today and I thank you for your prayers. I fell into the bed when I got in with a splitting headache and an upset stomach. Thankfully my wonderful mother-in-law came to celebrate my birthday and to take care of things for me today. I am feeling better now and am enjoying the music to Mama Mia! as I write this.

Now the waiting is the hardest part. I have no idea what these tests are going to show. I have no idea what my future holds. The only thing I know for sure is that God loves me and He is in control. I know He created me, He knows how much I can handle, He knows the big picture. All I can do is trust in Him. I am so comforted by reading the Psalms. Today I read this while waiting at the hospital:

But though O Lord, art a shield for me:
my glory, and the lifter up of mine head. Ps. 3:3

Thank you Lord for lifting up my head, for my thoughtful mother-in-law, kind hospital workers and soft toilet paper.

It's official-I'm old!

Ok people you've had your fun. The old jokes are getting old. They started early this morning with calls to see if I'd fallen and couldn't get up to offers to pick up a pack of Depends at the grocery. Ha Ha very funny. As I see it, we all fit into two categories here you know-you are either already here or you are quickly approaching, so let's all just FIDO-forget it and drive on.

I so appreciate all your emails and blog comments and real mail. Back when I was young, the only ways we had to communicate was through letters and phone calls.

Today was really a very special birthday. Just a few short weeks ago I was sort of dreading the idea of turning 40. But after this smack of reality has hit, who cares what birthday it is as long as you have one, right? Take some time today to hug your kids extra tight, do something nice for a stranger, have a real conversation with your spouse, and thank the Lord for another day.

Psalm 118:24 This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.

Tuesday- My things to do:

CT scan
Bone scan
liver scan
chest x-ray
eat more cake

Not feeling so very brave...

Even though this weekend had a lot of peanut butter ice cream in it, it was still a little rough. I talked to the Lord a lot and I felt comforted for awhile and then I'd just let my mind go crazy for just a minute and then before you know it, I'm feeling sort of down. It takes focus. You absolutely have to keep your eyes on Him. I have to meditate on His words. I have to ask him to control my mind. If you even start the "what ifs" you can go crazy and then you are done for. I can come up with a whole bunch of "what ifs" and I bet you can too. But what does that get us? Nothing but a whole lot of misery. So don't even go there!

God is going to work this out for good like Romans 8:28-And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God,to them who are the called according to his purpose.

You wouldn't believe all the nice birthday cards I got today and hugs and well wishes and presents and promises to pray and offers to help. My middle Schoolers had a little party set up for me in Sunday School with brownies and snacks. I've gotten many calls from my son's teacher, a friend from high school, an old college friend, my missionary friend in Canada,the President-elect (It must have been him-- "unidentified name, unidentified number".)

The real source of my waning bravery is this shoulder pain. I wasn't going to mention it to you, but it makes me worried. It COULD just be an injury from helping Pete move his 98 foot screen tv a few weeks back. It's pain in my neck and shoulder, but mainly like in my collar bone. It just aches and throbs a lot at night. Aleve doesn't help. Please pray about this. All my tests are Tuesday so surely something will show up and it will be something else and not what I fear. This week will be rough waiting for those results. It sounds odd, but pray that I have a shoulder injury!:) It's a good thing I've got cake.

Psalm 55:16,17 -As for me I will call upon God: and the Lord shall save me. Evening and morning and at noon will I pray, and cry aloud: and he shall hear my voice.

Psalm 56:3- What time I am afraid , I will trust in thee.

Thank you, Lord for your loving kindness, your listening ear, your words of comfort. For caring friends, funny cards, and peanut butter ice cream.

My miracle

So after I found that lump in my breast 15 years ago, I asked God for a miracle. I prayed that if he would take it away and let it not be there when they went in to operate, that I would tell the whole world what He had done. But He knew my heart and He knew that cancer was what I needed- not a miracle. He knew I needed to go down that road at that time.

So fast forward a year and a few months later to when Pete and I had just started dating. He had a job, I was teaching, he had shingles and I had this unusual heart thing going on. So I went to the doctor and had either an EKG or an EEG, I don't remember. The test took awhile and they called me back in a few days with the results. The doctor had bad news. He said I had been born with a hole in my heart. He showed me and Pete there on the screen how a hole in between the lower chambers of my heart was causing blood to flow through at that spot. In complete shock we sat and watched how my heart would beat and blood would flow back and forth through that hole. He said I would need open heart surgery to repair it. (Let that sink in for a sec before you read on)

The next step would be an esophogeal which was a camera down the throat. He said he needed to look at my heart and see exactly the location and size of the hole before they could plan my operation. So here we were, Pete was a new Christian, I was just barely on the other side of my valley with cancer and getting closer to the Lord. "How could this be? Why me again, LORD?" I cried in my baby Christain voice. The test took longer than they told us it would. Pete waited and waited and I had a hose down my throat for like 155 hours. The doctor finally explained to us the delay. He had looked and looked and looked.

HE had looked my heart over and could not find a hole.

That's my miracle. Tell me about yours.

Search me, O God and know my heart. Psalm 139:23

True Friends

Juicy Filet mignon, warm buttery bread, sweet tea, lots of laughs and a few tears-that's what dinner with true friends is made of. Tonight was a real stress reliever for me when two of my bestest friends took me out for an early birthday celebration. The hours flew by as we talked about all the real issues in life from why we love food to various body piercings. I appreciated the way they didn't avoid the issues. It was straight up conversation about how they felt when they heard the news to reasons why God may be allowing this in my life. (We decided it was all so that Pete could learn to love casseroles). It was really the first time I've talked with a girlfriend about the emotional aspect of a mastectomy and what it's going to be like to lose that part of me. By the way, this blog will soon have to go "girls only" because I'm already stressing over how to word things without making my man friends keel over from embarrassment. And of course we talked about the dreaded hormones-what could there possibly be good to say about something called hormones anyway. I feel the love ladies. Almost as much tonight as I did the day you came over and cleaned my house from top to bottom when I was too pregnant to move.

I love you Sandy and Pat and don't forget about your promise to get that pink ribbon tattoo in my honor!

G.R.I.T.S.

You know what I love about g.r.i.t.s.(girls raised in the south)? Even if you just FIND OUT you're fixin' to have surgery, they will bring a you a casserole! :) Thanks Marylena!!!

I truly appreciate everyone who is praying for me. This blog is helping me feel connected to you (and to reconnect with some old friends) and I look forward to reading your comments and email each day. I never realized how therapeutic writing could be.

Pete's Grandma passed away earlier tonight. She was a dear, sweet lady and lived all 97 of her years loving the Lord. She will be sorely missed, but we are not sad because we know she closed her eyes at the Covenant Village and opened her eyes in her Heavenly home.

I have always been big on making New year's resolutions. This is the first time in many years I have not had "lose weight" at the top of a very long list. Your perspective really changes about so many things when you get the "big C" diagnosis. It's ironic that this year I haven't made a single new year's resolution, but I have certainly been taking more time to re-evalute my life. What I've come up with is just that I want to "be better". I want to be a better wife, mom, Christian,friend, daughter, sister, etc. It really makes me think, you know I may the one who has cancer, but none of us really know what tomorrow holds. Maybe this won't be the year to lose weight, but maybe we can strive to just "be better."

Ectomy day

My surgery date has been set for February 3rd.

Then and Now

Fifteen years ago on this very day, I was at my parents house recovering from the shock of a breast cancer diagnosis at the age of 24. It was truly a shock because no one believed it would be cancer even until they did the surgery. The doctors just kept saying "we'll keep investigating, but you're too young for this to be breast cancer." I was a graduate student at Clemson studying to be a Guidance counselor and having what I thought was the time of my life. I had come to Clemson as an eighteen year old anxious to get out on my own and do things my way. I felt my parents rules were much too strict and going to church all the time was not for me. I happily packed up my belongings, abandoned my Christian home, and left the God I had grown up with at the South Carolina line. But He would not be left for long. As I discovered college life and made new friends, I always felt the Holy Spirit calling me back to him. I knew the life I had chosen to lead during my college life was not right and in my heart I knew I could not continue on. Occasionaly a room mate who had had similar upbringing and I would sit together and cry and try to read our Bible and talk about how we weren't truly happy. But that would only be a fleeting thought easily forgotten the next day.

My relationship with my parents had deteriorated to the point I hated to talk to them on the phone. But after finding a lump when drying off from a shower, I knew I need to see a doctor when I was at home for Christmas. I called mom and asked her to get me an appointment and that led to an ultrasound, a needle biopsy, and finally a lumpectomy. I clearly remember mom reading Psalm 91 to me the night before surgery-"He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most high shall abide under the shadow of the almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God, in him will I trust..." (Please read this on your own. I really want it to all be here, but if you knew how I type, you'd know why I won't.) That Psalm meant so much to me and soothed me so, but I couldn't pray. I had pushed him so far away. Thankfully my parents still had a line open and they begged God for it not to be cancer. I'll never forget the words of the doctor that day. "No one is more surprised than I am that this was cancer."

I knew at that point what this story was all about. It was about a stupid girl God wanted to use. But she was all about wanting to be cool, and the life of the party and fitting in, and pride. The devil had me convinced that professing the name of Jesus would get me laughed off campus, and the few Christians I knew at Clemson were just duds and didn't know how much fun they were missing out on. I finally had to get myself to the point where I could cry out to the Lord and say "Do you remember me? Will you please forgive me for my foolishness and get me where you want me to be?" Thankfully, I was the one who left. He was always there...waiting.

I came back to Clemson to finish my degree all the while taking radiation for 6 weeks and having 12 rounds of chemo. My dear sweet doctor told me to go get myself a wig and prepare to be sick as a dog. BUT, my hair only thinned and I never once threw up and my worst side effects were tiredness and mouth sores! I found a church (or should I say they found me) and with the help of friends who took me to chemo, and cleaned out my stinky fridge, and sent me tapes and cards I was there riding proudly on the shoulders of MY Lord and Savior as He carried me through.

The rest is just surreal- this knight in shining armor or maybe it was a red '78 BMW-came into my life, found out all about me, met my Lord, and asked me to marry him. We were happy as pigs in mud. He was an engineer at Kemet and I was a middle school guidance counselor. Then God blessed us with 3 of the most wonderful children ever! I'll tell you all about them another time so get ready.

That's who I was 15 years ago today. How about you?




.

This day is over!

Today was information overload so I will try to tell you as best I can what is going on, but first off know that everything is going to be alright. My cancer is DCIS-ductal carcinoma in-situ- cancer of the ducts. This means that the cancer is non-invasive, but shows a slight sign of being micro-invasive. Dr. Young is recommending a mastectomy, but is overall very optimistic. We decided to go ahead with the hysterectomy and I am opting to have both breasts removed (can I get an amen on that one ladies?) Dr.Young and Dr. Ellison will co-ordinate both surgeries on the same day. In the meantime, I have a bunch of tests scheduled-bone scan, liver scan, CT scan and chest x-ray just to check me out and be sure all is clear. That will be on Tuesday the 13th.

Dr. Young was just what we needed and we are so glad this day is over. He said some chemo may be necessary, but he will defer that to the oncologist. That's okay because I'll have my own chemo nurse who has promised to rub my feet while I sit in her chair-that is that you said right, Pam?

This is all good news to us and we want it to be to you too. I know that this battle is mine, but I feel like God has something in all of this for you too. You know He put us together for a reason and time could be short for us all. Please pray for us, for wisdom to know what to do and to know exactly what God's will is here. At times I feel like this can't be me and then other times I can just see all this like a movie in my head, but with Meg Ryan in really cute pajamas playing ME!

I'm just glad that I serve a really big God.

Love to all of you and sorry if I kept you up waiting to hear the news.

You guys are the BEST!!

Wow! I am just so overwhelmed today by all the wonderful friends I have. Thank you for your emails and phone calls and prayers and offers to help. I had an idea that just maybe some of you were sorta kind of a little bit good, but now I'm really finding out that maybe you are ALL just down right fantastic!!!! I'm thinking about bustin out in song right about now.

We had to take Anders to the doctor right after church today because he was crying with an ear ache. He felt so bad, but perked up after the prednisone and Motrin. We are all thinkin that pacifier would be nice right about now.

I see Dr. Young tomorrow at 2:00. Pete is going with me and we have a list of questions written out. I will write it about it here tomorrow when the kids are in bed, but again, do not hesitate to call me. This blog is about getting out the info. not keeping you away.

Hey, have you thought about this? "When thou passest through the waters, I WILL be with thee; and through the rivers, they will not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. For I am the Lord thy God..." Isaiah 43:2

Pajamas....check!

You know how you get your mind set on something and can't let it rest until it's complete? So I decided a few days ago that my pajamas were not up to par and that I had to have new ones ASAP. So today I took my "Belkie bucks" and checked "get new pajamas" off my list. No surgery date yet, mind you, but I got me some new pajamas.

Thanks to everyone for your care and concern. I appreciate all your offers to help and especially your prayers. I am sorry this was email news to most of you, but it was very hard to decide how to get the word out.

I haven't said anything to the kids yet. They knew I was going to have surgery before this so I just told them the date has been changed. Ashley is coming to stay with them Monday while we go to the doctor. I may need to take you all up on the offers for help with the kids one of these days, so put away your breakables!

We were busy today trying out the new Christmas presents that required adult supervision. We made muffins-thanks MiMi, it was great fun- and played Trouble, Twister and Old Maid. And boy that Twister made me feel like an old maid too.

It was a good day! I can tell you are praying for me.

2009!

We got in last night from a whirlwind trip to visit the families.
We really didn't stay long enough to feel like we had much quality time with anyone, but that's just how the holidays are, I guess. Two notes of interest-Zoey thinks Santa lied about the laptop and cell phone and Anders is no longer using a pacifier!!

I do have an appointment with a surgeon Dr. Tommy Young on Monday. Dr. Ellison, my wonderful OG/Gyn, whom I love dearly, took care of getting all my records and Mammogram over to him, so hopefully I will know something then. I had a hysterectomy scheduled for January 6th due to an enlarged uterus, so I do know that has been postponed, but will probably happen later and will include taking out my ovaries. Dr. Ellison said that since I've had a recurrence of breast cancer my chance of ovarian cancer increases so now there is a need to remove them also.

I have so many questions I am anxious to have answered. I am okay with the idea of a mastectomy, a hysterectomy and even chemo and radiation. I am just concerned about what they may find when they check my lymph nodes. It would just change everything if this has spread into other parts of my body. My thoughts are that this was my yearly mammogram, so nothing was there last year. I also had my tumor marker blood test come back normal at my spring physical. This gives me hope that this is new and hasn't had time to spread. I also know of women who have a mastectomy and no other treatment is necessary. I just keeping praying "Lord, I want what you want." Please pray that too.

I am in so much better shape spiritually than I was the last time I had this battle with cancer, but this time I have so much more to lose. I have experienced the peace of God before in my life, but NEVER like I have in these last few days. It's hard to describe, but it's just like I don't have this on my mind on the time. I'm not saying that I don't think about it, but it's not an obsession. I am not asking "why me?" like I have in so many other instances in my life. I really feel like God is in control. I mean after all-what can I do??? I did have a break down on Pete Saturday night. I had a terrible cold and was just so tired I cried and cried and cried and made my head practically explode. But when I did finally stop I just fell asleep. I now have gargantuan cold sores on my lip and nose to attest to my head cold and the stress of crying so hard. I am grateful for the prayers of everyone and I will continue to write here for anyone who is interested. You can comment here too, if you like.

I am claiming Joshua 1:9 of course- "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest."