I'm bad

I wasn't ready though to handle such a calling. I spent several weeks in shock. I was scared out of my mind that I was going to die and leave my family and 3 wonderful children. I doubted that I could handle it. Some days I was stronger than others. So many times I'd cry, "I can't handle this. I can't handle this."As I was preparing for surgery I hit my lowest point and it was then that I had to say "Lord, you are going to have to carry me. I can't walk this road alone. I can't fight this battle without you at the forefront." Man, I had so many doubts, I was so very afraid. My friends and family comforted me and supported me, but there was nothing they could do for me. God knew me. He didn't give that cancer to me, but He filtered it through his loving hands. I was a long way from what He wanted me to be, but He knew I had a desire to get there. I made it through the surgery and started to heal on the outside and then a blow much worse than a cancer diagnosis rocked my world. The loss of my dad was much, much harder than my physical ailments. My heart was broken.

Driving down Mile Creek Road that day I just thought I was close to God. I just thought I loved Him. I just thought I could trust him. We have come a long way these last six months. I am different. The 3 verses that I claimed have been proven by Him over and over again.
Joshua 1:9- Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest. He gave me strength. I had no courage of my own, but that which He provided me. The Lord my God was with me in the bone scan, and the liver scan, and the colonoscopy, and the hysterectomy, and the mastectomy and when I saw dad is the casket, during his funeral and when they lowered his body into the ground. And withsoever I went-HE WAS THERE!
Romans 8:28-And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God and to them who are the called according to his purpose. So many great things HAVE been worked for good. I have had many opportunities to witness to God's goodness. He took some really rotten stuff and made it good. Through the pain of losing dad, my mom and I can see that many good things have happened as a result.
Proverbs 3:5,6-Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths. I never would have been able to do anything without believing that He would direct my path. I had to ask him time and time again to show me. I needed His wisdom and his guidance in countless decisions. Most recently, I did not lean on myself to make the decision to have reconstruction. I trusted in him to let me know what He wanted. Very shortly after I gave it all to him and told Him that I was going to wait on him to show me what to do, He gave me peace. (And He did it in a way that blew me away.)

I'm just an average person trying to be a girl God can use. I have so many shortcomings. I'm sure you know I'm a bad mom and an awful housekeeper. I don't pray or read my Bible like I should. I'm not a very good friend. I nag the Knight. I don't like to cook or eat healthy. I have no patience. The kids drink tea for breakfast because I haven't had any milk in the house for two days. I think bad thoughts about people and last week I didn't speak up when the cashier rang up my purchase incorrectly. I only iron if it's an emergency situation. Sometimes I practice what I'd say if I could tell people off. I won't let the girls get their ears pierced. I won't let Alex get the Little Man a turtle. I don't return phone calls. Today I screamed at my children from 8:45am until 11:30am. Seriously. And I didn't call Marty on her 40th birthday or even wish my in-laws a happy anniversary. And I don't like to share! This, my dear friends, is only a tiny slice of my badness.
My point is I am so weak, but He is strong. I'm nobody, but He is Everything. THIS is not really what I had in mind that day. Maybe I'm scarred and maybe my heart is broken, but God has never been more real to me. I have never been so in love with Him. I have never trusted Him more. And I've never been so happy in all my life.