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So I cried at the gym today. The girl that works with me, she's a personal trainer I guess, was chatting away while I was on the leg press machine. She asked me a question and I just started crying. All morning I had been thinking about Dad and how much I miss him and how I can't believe he's been gone two months already. She was simply asking me what I was going to do to continue my fitness routine when this program was over and I cried. Then when I was walking on the track I cried some more. I have so much grief that sometimes I can't focus on who or what I'm grieving for. Does that make sense? I feel so overwhelmed with sadness and LOSS. Really I wonder who I am.
For one thing, I sort of feel like I've lost some of my confidence. I always had that feeling that dad "had my back". You know, like if I messed up something or if I needed something or if I was going to try something new , he was going to be there to give me advice, reassure me, encourage me, bail me out of jail. I know I have the Knight, and he really is all that I need him to be. But he's not Dad. Without him, I've lost a certain comfort/confidence from my life.
I look in the mirror and I don't even recognize myself. That's not my body. What did I used to look like? This lack of hormones leaves me struggling to remember what I used to feel like. What is "normal" for me anymore? Am I feeling like this because of losing dad, or the mastectomy or the hysterectomy or just the stress of a busy life with 3 kids? What do I need? Medication, counseling, a vacation?
I really don't know what to do. I'll just do the only thing I know to do and turn to the only one who really knows how to help.
Dear Heavenly Father, Lord, I can't do this on my own. I need you to fill up these empty spaces. Tell me again how YOU complete me. Tell me again how much you LOVE me. Be near me, stay close, restore me, dry my tears, carry me, strengthen me. And please tell my dad I miss him. Amen
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
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3 comments:
Alisa, I remember months after my Dad dying...still crying at unexpected times. I went to pick up Chinese takeout one day and caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror in there and saw him in me. I lost it. I would be sitting at work and just start crying. You can't understand the grief of losing a parent until it happens. No one can take the place of your Daddy. But, your Dad has given you confidence. He taught you things that you will use for the rest of your life. He will never be forgotten. My Dad has been gone 11 years now. I am crying for him right now as I am writing to you. I still miss him. I always will. He didn't get to walk me down the aisle. He would have loved Brad! He never met my children (oh, he would have been crazy about them!)
I will see him again one day. I am so thankful for that! He is with our Heavenly Father and he is healthy and whole and rejoicing! That comforts me. God has given me the peace and comfort through my grief. He is giving that to you, too.
It's ok to cry. Tears are healing.
Alisa,
How I wish I felt more whole so that I could minister to you and share more with you these days. You know that I'm losing my dad right now; the last four months have been a nightmare, and I know that God is getting ready to take him home before long.
I may be older than you, but a girl is never ready to lose her daddy. I understand your grief, and I cry with you. I'm just so glad that God says He will be to us whatever/whoever is missing in our lives. He is good! Praise His name.
Love,
Marilyn
You remember me tellling you that I didn't know who I was anymore. I used to be somebody's wife and now I felt so lost. Then Jesus reminded me that I am His child and all I need to do is walk hand in hand with Hime day by day. I still have to remind myself of that but it is working! You are an inspiration to me! Mom
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