Beach bound

I don't want to rub it in or anything, but this time next week I'll be a beach bummin', carriage ridin', alligator watchin', seafood eatin', topless sunbathin'(just kidding) girl. Can't wait! I have a
"to do" list with 17 things on it. No sweat.

A few thoughts, praises, things I want to get off my chest-
The Little Man is an undies wearin' little man. I am so proud and just amazed at how easy he was to train. He wants a pink car for his big present.
I am sure there was someone out there who did something for me during my surgery that I have neglected to send a thank you note to. I lost track when I went to Florida. If so, please know that I am grateful and I'm sorry if I forgot to thank you properly. I just thought of 2 more people...
My friend Fuzz is out of the hopital and has been cleared to resume normal life. Too bad he was never normal. (But praise God for that good news!)
Julia's island of chocolate was really a pretty good idea.
I am going to get all the laundry done, go ahead and pack it and have everyone wear winter clothes until we leave.
I am thinking about bringing back the pacifer just for this trip.
I'm considering reconstructive surgery-should I write about it here or do you think that's too personal, or weird or just plain disgusting-comments please. I really want to know.
I miss my friends at Edwards Middle School. I have so many good memories from my time there.
"In the eyes of the world it is not our relationship with Jesus Christ that counts; it is our resemblance to Him. "( the most meaningful quote from last week's Esther study.)

It's time to go to bed. I have to get started on that list of 17 things I have to do. I'll update you on my progress tomorrow.

I love you dear friends and family. I have never felt so loved in all my life.

Insanity-how do you know when you're there??

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I think I may be going insane. My children are so wonderful, lovable, funny, smart-but they are driving me crazy. I know it's me. They haven't changed. It's their mommy who has changed. She lost both breasts, her uterus, her ovaries and her dad in a matter of two months. There is nothing I can do about that. What I CAN do is just keep asking God to help me. Often it's more like "Oh Lord, help me. I can't do this on my own!" a hundred times a day. I must report to you that it's working. He tells us to cry out to Him and he will answer. I could not get out of bed everyday without His help. He reminds me daily to be JOYFUL, to be THANKFUL and to TRUST Him. I am really trying each day to keep my mind on Him, so if I seem a little aloof, don't be offended-I'm just concentrating. On my own I am so weak. With the help of my great big God, I can handle anything, especially the children he gave me and the problems he allowed me. He would never give me loud, uncontrollable children and then not equip me to handle them. He would never take something away and then not fill that void with himself, right? If that's the case then I must have him all over me- inside and out. (Huh, that thought just came to me and I really like it.) To reiterate-If God is going to take something away from me, He will fill up that empty space with himself. So He will fill up that hole my dad left. He will fill my empty chest and replace my missing organs. Good grief, that's awesome, isn't it. He's so good.
My mom is my inspiration. She is so strong in the Lord and she just keeps saying "God is all I need." So true, Mama, so true.
Just when I think I'm about to flip my lid, the Knight comes riding in on his horse. He senses the beautiful princess needs to be rescued. She's teetering there on the edge of a huge cliff with three children pushing her. He scoops her up into his arms and.... makes her laugh her head off. Take tonight for example. In the van on the way to church we were trying to have a discussion over the voices of our screaming and fighting children. I was just chatting away about my health issues and asking him if he thought the doctors were right about my treatment. He looked at me in all seriousness and said "Did they do a brain scan?" Can you BELIEVE that????? Do you think God can fill up that space where my brain was?

Bleh!

Five doctors visits in one week is really too much, don't you think? I bet you'd be hard-pressed to see that many doctors in a week. The last one said I have a bladder infection so that must be why I am glued to the couch with no energy and mad at everyone. (Not you, of course!)

Just a few updates for you. Potty training is going well. On the way home from church last night the Little Man said he had to go. I told him he just had to hold it until we got home and when I looked back at him he was! I remember telling the Knight after Allison was finally trained that I was going to have a t-shirt made up that said "My child is potty trained." It's quite a feeling of accomplishment, isn't it? For both parent and child, I guess. He sure has been a handful this week. Just this morning while I was in the shower he helped himself to a big glob of hair gel (actually it was hair wax, so you can imagine) while he was brushing his teeth with all of our tooth brushes. Then he made a fort out of the dirty laundry and a bag full of clothes I had folded up and ready to give to charity. The whole time I'm in the shower yelling "Where are you? Come in here where mommy can see you! Do you want a spanking?" So two minutes before we had to walk out the door I was holding his head under the sink, trying to rinse his hair. Did I actually think to myself a while back that maybe he was going to skip the "terrible twos". Really, he IS the icing on our cake, the cherry on our sundae, the third ring of our circus.... Maybe I'm the one in the "terrible twos" Just times 20!

I have a bunch of prayer request I'd like you to remember. Our friend Fuzz has had a terrible time lately-serious burns on his feet and legs earlier this month and now he's in the hospital waiting for gall bladder surgery. Also my friend Bill's mom and dad-Joann is having surgery tomorrow and Earl is recovering from recent surgery. Magdalene still has 4 radiation treatments to go. My friend Claudia's dad needs our prayers also. Franky, one of our middle school students is in a bad home situation and needs prayer. And me and my family still covet your prayers.

Having cancer for the second time really made me question my purpose. I'm asking "God, really, what is it you want me to do. I am all yours." So many of you are going through hard times right now and I just want so much to be an encouragement to you. I want to help your heart. Surely that is part of what I'm to do here. There's not much I can do for you other than tell you that even in the darkest part of this valley I've been in, when I was at my weakest point and ready to go over the cliff, I knew that there was something, someone there holding me me. There was a still small voice inside my heart that kept telling me that everything was going to be alright. We insist on trying to be so strong all the time, but sometimes it's just not possible. We are weak, but HE IS STRONG. I am so weak but Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. The Bible tells me so. And my heart does too. Listen, can you hear it?

It's potty time!

Okay, this blog has become soaking wet with grief, so tonight I'll focus on a lighter topic. The little man and I are potty training! I say the little man and I because it's just as much me as it is him. I have to remember to ask him if he needs to go, I have to remember to schedule breaks into my errands, and I have to be an enthusiastic cheerleader and super smart motivator. (I am 40, so the remembering part is getting difficult.) Tonight I announced at dinner that he had been dry all day. Everyone clapped appropriately and he said, "Big present."

Zoey pipes up then with "Why does he get a present? What about me? I'm potty trained." She's the one who is concerned about being left out.

And Allison says "You should take him to Gattitown, Toy r Us and to get ice cream." ( She's the family event planner)

I'm pretty sure he's ready, so wish us luck. I hate to think my baby is growing up, but those 2t underwear just make me smile.

This is Anders and Nana trying out the new undies...

Random things about my dad

These things might not mean much to you, but I am missing him terribly.

I loved it when I was little and fell asleep on the couch and he would carry me to my bed.
Every day, and I mean everyday, after he came in from work he'd change clothes. Kind of like Mr. Rogers. His after work attire-white t-shirt, khaki shorts/sweat pants, black work socks, dockside shoes, and robe. Then he would retire to the rocking chair on the front porch and summon mom to join him.
The morning of every trip to Arkansas he'd wake us up with "Time to rise and shine. It's time to hit the road." He measured time in sleeps. "Only two more sleeps left"
He would always try to motivate me with "I'm gonna do something nice for you." He'd say that 20 times and then one day he'd walk in with some kind of present for me.
He loved his job and really never looked forward to retirement.
We started going on vacation with Mike's family about 13 summers ago. The first two summers Pete and Mike played golf and dad would just ride along. When he finally decided to take up the game for himself, he caught the bug and played at least every Saturday for the last ten years. He was always in search of the newest putter or driver to improve his game.
Dad got upset with me the summer after my sophomore year at Clemson. He saw my grades and told me he "wasn't gonna pay good money for me to go up there and have a good time." I begged him to let me go back and changed my major to marketing as part of my plan.
I was so scared the day I called him to tell him I had loaned my car to a "friend" and he totaled it. He was disappointed, but not mad. I had to rough it for awhile without a car to learn my lesson.
He made me go to church- no excuses. One Sunday morning I told him I was sick. He said "Get dressed" I did. I said, "I'm sick." He said "Get in the car." We got into church and I yacked on the hallway wall. I said, "See, I told you I was sick."
Dad was an expert on all subjects. If I ever thought he was bluffing on a topic, I start up a heated debate with him. Sometimes to prove his point or back up his argument later, he'd find an article from the paper or a magazine and send it to me in the mail. Once he sent me this random article about the many health benefits of bananas. He ate at least two bananas a day after that and thought I should follow his lead.
He had a great knowledge of the Bible. He taught the senior men's class at church until they all died off and then taught the senior ladies and most recently a class called "New Beginnings". He was a great teacher they tell me and he truly loved his class members.
He called me "Shug" and "Sis".
After mom worked at the Piggly Wiggly to help him through college, he never wanted her to work outside the home. Mom was always there for us-helping at school, cooking us yummy meals every night, and running out to get me posterboard for my science project due the next day. (She's the best mom and I want to be just like her.)
When Mike got engaged to Suzy he told her that our family didn't know the word divorce. When Pete asked for his blessing on our engagement he told him he would be happy for us to marry, but divorce was not an option. He loved Suzy and Pete so much. I think he was happy we had found mates to put up with us!
Most of his sentences started with "Here's what you need to do."
He was a terrible snorer. If I had to stay in the same hotel room, I prayed that God would let me fall asleep before him. I can imitate him perfectly after lying awake many a night listening to him.
He loved his grandchildren. He'd lift their head to his bald head, rub it back and forth and say "Neeneenee!" and they would all laugh. Anders would say "Papa, neeneenee." He loved to hear funny things my kids would say or do and then he'd share them with people he worked with. (I heard that from many people at the funeral) He was proud of Chris and Courtney and I'm so glad they had a chance to know him well. Allison will remember him, but I doubt Zoey and Anders will.
He loved to hear me tell about how miserable I was at Outward Bound, and then he'd beam with pride when I told him how much I'd learned in those nine days in the wilderness.
He'd ask my friends a million questions when they'd come over. He'd always ask me "Who's their people?" as if we lived in a small town.
He never could accept that I had cancer. He never wanted to confront bad news. He never wanted me to lack anything. He loved me so much...

Darkness enlightened

I have had so many neat experiences this week, but I'm sure I can't describe them all to you here. You know how I said things had more meaning to me now and that life seemed to be so much brighter like a blurriness had been removed. The week started off bad-lots of tears and a bleak outlook. But every day since then has been so rich. Friends have called and shared personal stories and offered the most encouraging words. I have run into people and heard about the burdens they are carrying. I got to spend time with a friend who's been away. I have gotten many gifts-meals, gift cards, a pedicure, and a tree to plant in memory of Dad. The middle school kids at church acted like maybe they missed me. Even my dog just seems to be more loving. I don't know how to describe it. Maybe it's me, maybe it's you, but life is different.

Psalm 18:28---I love this...For thou will light my candle:the Lord my God will enlighten my darkness.

So much to thank Him for

Monday was a bad day for me. The weather was miserable, I was tired, I had a lot to do (I HATE to unpack) and I just had myself a big old pity party. But as I've said before, the sun's coming up in the morning and man oh man God gave me a beautiful day Tuesday. I got in the mood to clean out, people started calling(Monday's blog worried some of you. I'm sorry.) I started singing some praise songs at the top of my lungs and soon the blues were gone. As soon as I got my mind off myself and put my eyes on God and all the many things I have to be thankful for, I felt the dark cloud disappear. I could almost imagine the devil high tailing it out of my neighborhood. I know I have hard days ahead, I know I need time to grieve, but I will not give place to the devil.

I got an idea over at Kelly's blog, and I'd like to take time today to mention a few of the things I am thankful for.

I am thankful for my friends and family who drove all the way to Jacksonville last week to show their love and sympathy for the loss of my dad.

I am thankful I only had to cook 4 times in the last month!!!! Yeeehaa!

I am thankful for friends who care enough to bring me M&Ms.

I am thankful for Pete's job, his boss and their understanding during the few months he's worked there.

I am thankful that my children are healthy and that I still have one nerve left for them to get on.

I am thankful I had a great dad for 40 years. I am thankful that I married a man much like him.

I am thankful that beauty comes from within.

I am thankful for my children's teachers.

I am thankful that God is using my life as a testimony to His power, His love and His grace.

I am thankful my mom has such strong faith and that we share the same best friend friend-Jesus.

I am thankful that God allows me to work with middle school kids. I can totally relate to them.

I am thankful for sunshiney days, a cozy bed, awesome in-laws, a sweet little boy, 2 talented daughters, my free country, good doctors, a big closet, a gigantic furry dog, my Bible, my Tuesday morning Bible study group, good old fashioned hymns, the beach, my church family, my mean brother, sweet tea, Aleve, old friends, new friends, and most of all...

For God so loved the world, that He gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life- John 3:16