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You know how I told you my dad was always giving advice. Well, I was not so much into taking his advice as a teenager since I was more the rebellious type and usually wanted to do just the opposite of what Pop recommended. Of course in hind-sight I can see that he was a very wise man and really did have a strong sense of discernment which was very helpful to his church and his company.
For some reason I have had one piece of his advice on my mind for several days. He would always say "Never back up, when you can go forward." This was in reference to driving, particularly in parking spaces. (Of course he thought he was the best of drivers.) But I have been thinking about it a lot as to how it relates to my life. A cancer diagnosis changes your life I tell you. And "dodging that bullet" twice in your life makes you just a weirdo I've just about decided. I'm sure I won't be able to put into words what I mean by this exactly, but I'm just not the same anymore. Facing death makes you re-evaluate your life. When I was diagnosed the first time, my life was just about a mess. I had identity issues, I was out of God's will, I was living for myself with little regard for anyone else and truthfully going downhill fast. Thankfully, I was able to make my way back to God and make a lot of positive changes. The Knight entered shortly thereafter and help me grow and change tremendously.
The second diagnosis has me really searching for my purpose. I was given another chance for a reason. Was I doing something for God that He wants me to continue? Is there something new He wants me to do for him now? I am trying to refocus. I feel too scatterbrained sometimes to even think I could be useable. I have doubt and insecurity. I sometimes think "why am I worthy of this third chance?" But I am praying that He will put me smack-dab in the center of his will. I ask myself constantly "Is this pleasing to God?" and "Am I going forward in my service to him or am I backing up?" and "When I stand in His almighty presence one day will I be ashamed of how I spent my time?" I want my life to be about serving Him more and me less. I want to forget about things that are just not important. I want to stay so close to Him, I want to know Him more, I want to make Him proud. I owe everything to Him. He has given me life-more time here on earth to enjoy my family and to serve Him, and then eternal life with Him in Heaven one day. He deserves my very best. I wish I could know exactly what that is. But for now, I am just trying to make sure "I never back up, when I can go forward."
Hebrews 12:1b--let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
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2 comments:
Alisa
I am so thankful that God is the God of second chances. I know that I have failed him miserably. There are times that I have done things that I shoud not have done. There have been times that I should have done something and I did not do it. Then there are time that I did something, but, I should have waited on God just a little longer. I'm just thankful he forgives and takes us back.
Wouldn't it be nice if we could always know what He wants us to do. I just want to please Him. I want to do what He wants me to do.
Thank you for your writings.
Love ya,
Pat
Put me in that weirdo group too bc I feel like that all the time!
When you said that you feel to scatterbrained to be of use for God, I feel like that atleast 90% of the time!! Oneday, Jason and I were hit hard with a situation and we knew right then and there that God was wanting us to surrender and give our complete 100% to him, trust in him and move forward. I have to be honest and say that it was a scary moment for me. I cried and cried and that day I remember yelling to Jason (I was really deep down yelling it to God) "Why, Why does God want to use me"! "I am worthless, stupid, and I will not be able to do what he wants us to do!?" Jason looked at me and said, "I know, I feel like that too, but God sees us differently".
I feel like I am on a rollercoaster going forward and backwards all the time. Oneday I feel like we are moving forward and getting closer to what God wants us to do, and the next I feel the opposite. But then it's when he will send something our way and say, "Hold on, and don't worry, I got the wheel and I'm driving!". That's what I'm doing now, just holding on. The good thing is, he is paying for the ride!
Love you and just hold on!
Shannon D.
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