G.R.I.T.S.

You know what I love about g.r.i.t.s.(girls raised in the south)? Even if you just FIND OUT you're fixin' to have surgery, they will bring a you a casserole! :) Thanks Marylena!!!

I truly appreciate everyone who is praying for me. This blog is helping me feel connected to you (and to reconnect with some old friends) and I look forward to reading your comments and email each day. I never realized how therapeutic writing could be.

Pete's Grandma passed away earlier tonight. She was a dear, sweet lady and lived all 97 of her years loving the Lord. She will be sorely missed, but we are not sad because we know she closed her eyes at the Covenant Village and opened her eyes in her Heavenly home.

I have always been big on making New year's resolutions. This is the first time in many years I have not had "lose weight" at the top of a very long list. Your perspective really changes about so many things when you get the "big C" diagnosis. It's ironic that this year I haven't made a single new year's resolution, but I have certainly been taking more time to re-evalute my life. What I've come up with is just that I want to "be better". I want to be a better wife, mom, Christian,friend, daughter, sister, etc. It really makes me think, you know I may the one who has cancer, but none of us really know what tomorrow holds. Maybe this won't be the year to lose weight, but maybe we can strive to just "be better."

Ectomy day

My surgery date has been set for February 3rd.

Then and Now

Fifteen years ago on this very day, I was at my parents house recovering from the shock of a breast cancer diagnosis at the age of 24. It was truly a shock because no one believed it would be cancer even until they did the surgery. The doctors just kept saying "we'll keep investigating, but you're too young for this to be breast cancer." I was a graduate student at Clemson studying to be a Guidance counselor and having what I thought was the time of my life. I had come to Clemson as an eighteen year old anxious to get out on my own and do things my way. I felt my parents rules were much too strict and going to church all the time was not for me. I happily packed up my belongings, abandoned my Christian home, and left the God I had grown up with at the South Carolina line. But He would not be left for long. As I discovered college life and made new friends, I always felt the Holy Spirit calling me back to him. I knew the life I had chosen to lead during my college life was not right and in my heart I knew I could not continue on. Occasionaly a room mate who had had similar upbringing and I would sit together and cry and try to read our Bible and talk about how we weren't truly happy. But that would only be a fleeting thought easily forgotten the next day.

My relationship with my parents had deteriorated to the point I hated to talk to them on the phone. But after finding a lump when drying off from a shower, I knew I need to see a doctor when I was at home for Christmas. I called mom and asked her to get me an appointment and that led to an ultrasound, a needle biopsy, and finally a lumpectomy. I clearly remember mom reading Psalm 91 to me the night before surgery-"He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most high shall abide under the shadow of the almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God, in him will I trust..." (Please read this on your own. I really want it to all be here, but if you knew how I type, you'd know why I won't.) That Psalm meant so much to me and soothed me so, but I couldn't pray. I had pushed him so far away. Thankfully my parents still had a line open and they begged God for it not to be cancer. I'll never forget the words of the doctor that day. "No one is more surprised than I am that this was cancer."

I knew at that point what this story was all about. It was about a stupid girl God wanted to use. But she was all about wanting to be cool, and the life of the party and fitting in, and pride. The devil had me convinced that professing the name of Jesus would get me laughed off campus, and the few Christians I knew at Clemson were just duds and didn't know how much fun they were missing out on. I finally had to get myself to the point where I could cry out to the Lord and say "Do you remember me? Will you please forgive me for my foolishness and get me where you want me to be?" Thankfully, I was the one who left. He was always there...waiting.

I came back to Clemson to finish my degree all the while taking radiation for 6 weeks and having 12 rounds of chemo. My dear sweet doctor told me to go get myself a wig and prepare to be sick as a dog. BUT, my hair only thinned and I never once threw up and my worst side effects were tiredness and mouth sores! I found a church (or should I say they found me) and with the help of friends who took me to chemo, and cleaned out my stinky fridge, and sent me tapes and cards I was there riding proudly on the shoulders of MY Lord and Savior as He carried me through.

The rest is just surreal- this knight in shining armor or maybe it was a red '78 BMW-came into my life, found out all about me, met my Lord, and asked me to marry him. We were happy as pigs in mud. He was an engineer at Kemet and I was a middle school guidance counselor. Then God blessed us with 3 of the most wonderful children ever! I'll tell you all about them another time so get ready.

That's who I was 15 years ago today. How about you?




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This day is over!

Today was information overload so I will try to tell you as best I can what is going on, but first off know that everything is going to be alright. My cancer is DCIS-ductal carcinoma in-situ- cancer of the ducts. This means that the cancer is non-invasive, but shows a slight sign of being micro-invasive. Dr. Young is recommending a mastectomy, but is overall very optimistic. We decided to go ahead with the hysterectomy and I am opting to have both breasts removed (can I get an amen on that one ladies?) Dr.Young and Dr. Ellison will co-ordinate both surgeries on the same day. In the meantime, I have a bunch of tests scheduled-bone scan, liver scan, CT scan and chest x-ray just to check me out and be sure all is clear. That will be on Tuesday the 13th.

Dr. Young was just what we needed and we are so glad this day is over. He said some chemo may be necessary, but he will defer that to the oncologist. That's okay because I'll have my own chemo nurse who has promised to rub my feet while I sit in her chair-that is that you said right, Pam?

This is all good news to us and we want it to be to you too. I know that this battle is mine, but I feel like God has something in all of this for you too. You know He put us together for a reason and time could be short for us all. Please pray for us, for wisdom to know what to do and to know exactly what God's will is here. At times I feel like this can't be me and then other times I can just see all this like a movie in my head, but with Meg Ryan in really cute pajamas playing ME!

I'm just glad that I serve a really big God.

Love to all of you and sorry if I kept you up waiting to hear the news.

You guys are the BEST!!

Wow! I am just so overwhelmed today by all the wonderful friends I have. Thank you for your emails and phone calls and prayers and offers to help. I had an idea that just maybe some of you were sorta kind of a little bit good, but now I'm really finding out that maybe you are ALL just down right fantastic!!!! I'm thinking about bustin out in song right about now.

We had to take Anders to the doctor right after church today because he was crying with an ear ache. He felt so bad, but perked up after the prednisone and Motrin. We are all thinkin that pacifier would be nice right about now.

I see Dr. Young tomorrow at 2:00. Pete is going with me and we have a list of questions written out. I will write it about it here tomorrow when the kids are in bed, but again, do not hesitate to call me. This blog is about getting out the info. not keeping you away.

Hey, have you thought about this? "When thou passest through the waters, I WILL be with thee; and through the rivers, they will not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. For I am the Lord thy God..." Isaiah 43:2

Pajamas....check!

You know how you get your mind set on something and can't let it rest until it's complete? So I decided a few days ago that my pajamas were not up to par and that I had to have new ones ASAP. So today I took my "Belkie bucks" and checked "get new pajamas" off my list. No surgery date yet, mind you, but I got me some new pajamas.

Thanks to everyone for your care and concern. I appreciate all your offers to help and especially your prayers. I am sorry this was email news to most of you, but it was very hard to decide how to get the word out.

I haven't said anything to the kids yet. They knew I was going to have surgery before this so I just told them the date has been changed. Ashley is coming to stay with them Monday while we go to the doctor. I may need to take you all up on the offers for help with the kids one of these days, so put away your breakables!

We were busy today trying out the new Christmas presents that required adult supervision. We made muffins-thanks MiMi, it was great fun- and played Trouble, Twister and Old Maid. And boy that Twister made me feel like an old maid too.

It was a good day! I can tell you are praying for me.

2009!

We got in last night from a whirlwind trip to visit the families.
We really didn't stay long enough to feel like we had much quality time with anyone, but that's just how the holidays are, I guess. Two notes of interest-Zoey thinks Santa lied about the laptop and cell phone and Anders is no longer using a pacifier!!

I do have an appointment with a surgeon Dr. Tommy Young on Monday. Dr. Ellison, my wonderful OG/Gyn, whom I love dearly, took care of getting all my records and Mammogram over to him, so hopefully I will know something then. I had a hysterectomy scheduled for January 6th due to an enlarged uterus, so I do know that has been postponed, but will probably happen later and will include taking out my ovaries. Dr. Ellison said that since I've had a recurrence of breast cancer my chance of ovarian cancer increases so now there is a need to remove them also.

I have so many questions I am anxious to have answered. I am okay with the idea of a mastectomy, a hysterectomy and even chemo and radiation. I am just concerned about what they may find when they check my lymph nodes. It would just change everything if this has spread into other parts of my body. My thoughts are that this was my yearly mammogram, so nothing was there last year. I also had my tumor marker blood test come back normal at my spring physical. This gives me hope that this is new and hasn't had time to spread. I also know of women who have a mastectomy and no other treatment is necessary. I just keeping praying "Lord, I want what you want." Please pray that too.

I am in so much better shape spiritually than I was the last time I had this battle with cancer, but this time I have so much more to lose. I have experienced the peace of God before in my life, but NEVER like I have in these last few days. It's hard to describe, but it's just like I don't have this on my mind on the time. I'm not saying that I don't think about it, but it's not an obsession. I am not asking "why me?" like I have in so many other instances in my life. I really feel like God is in control. I mean after all-what can I do??? I did have a break down on Pete Saturday night. I had a terrible cold and was just so tired I cried and cried and cried and made my head practically explode. But when I did finally stop I just fell asleep. I now have gargantuan cold sores on my lip and nose to attest to my head cold and the stress of crying so hard. I am grateful for the prayers of everyone and I will continue to write here for anyone who is interested. You can comment here too, if you like.

I am claiming Joshua 1:9 of course- "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest."